31 Weeks Picture

Here is a belly picture at 31 weeks. It's a little blurry but you can see my belly is growing!
I can't believe how much I love this little girl and I can't wait to meet her!!

31 Weeks

Oh my goodness, has it really been four whole weeks since I've updated my blog!?!? Well, let's see here. In the past four weeks baby girl has continued to grow and move and squirm. Scott can feel her moving now very easily. We visited my side of the family for Thanksgiving and it was so exciting to see everyone. My nieces and nephews love my big belly and are so excited for their new cousin to arrive. Little Miss Lily got to see my belly move and she said "the baby's working!" It was the cutest thing.

I had my first of two baby showers last Sunday and it was amazing. My sisters and mom did a great job with the location and the menu and I have to give props to Pere Marquette Catering. Their food and location was out of this world! My sister Julie took tons of pictures and I should have them soon and then I can post them.
I was so happy to see my family and celebrate this little girl with them. Some of my family from Petoskey came down to the shower and it meant so much to me to see them and spend time with them.
We got lots of great stuff including some adorable outfits, the baby bath tub and bath accessories, diapers, a great picture frame, a Magic Bullet baby food making system that I called a 'baby making kit', omitting the 'food' part and getting lots of laughs from everyone at the shower. We also got two adorable cloth baskets filled with goodies; one for mommy and one for baby, and lots of other goodies like an adorable Christmas tree ornament.
My dear mother-in-law came to the shower and drove us across the state for the occasion.

We had our monthly check-up today and mommy and baby are doing great. The midwife said that Baby Girl is now head-down and will probably stay that way. I measured right on track at 31 weeks. We start going every two weeks now.

Scott and I signed up for an online birthing class and we will start taking that soon. My parents are coming to town for the weekend to stay with us to paint the nursery and help out around the house to get ready for Baby Girl's arrival.

27 Weeks

Wow, I can't believe we are already 27 weeks along. I am still so blessed to be able to report that I have been feeling fantastic. Baby Girl continues to move and wiggle throughout the day and I am loving it. Of course she doesn't like to show off for her daddy yet so Scott hasn't felt her move too much. But I am sure over the next few weeks she will get stronger and let her daddy feel her kick more easily.
Last night Scott and I went to BRU and finished our registry. It was a little overwhelming, but we got it done and are very happy with our picks.
Here is the bedding we finally settled on. I can't wait to start decorating her nursery!

My sister Sara told me that the invitations for my baby shower in BR were put in the mail yesterday and I am getting very excited for it. The shower will be the weekend after Thanksgiving. I am just so unbelievably happy, after such a long road to getting pregnant, to finally be able to share the joy with my family and friends. My Mother-in-Law is working on finalizing the details for the shower we will have here. Since my family lives over three hours from where I do, it was best to have a shower in each location.

Last weekend I went to my first Mom-to-Mom sale, and as my Grandma Betty would say, I "made out like a bandit!" I spent $30 and got all of this great loot! I am so proud of my bargain hunting skills. I am headed to another sale this weekend!

And finally, here is a picture of Baby Girl and Mommy at 27 weeks.

I have my monthly check-up this Thursday afternoon and will be doing my glucose test. I start my third trimester next week and my appointments will be every two weeks instead of once a month. It is still hard to believe that little girl will be here in just three short months!

24 Weeks!

We just hit the fabulous 24 week mark! Here is a picture.

23 Weeks Update

Last week we hit the 23 week mark and I continue to feel really great. Baby girl is now moving a lot and her kicks and thumps are getting stronger. Scott was able to feel her move for the first time last weekend. Sometimes I can even see her kicking on my belly! Speaking of my belly, it is growing and growing and I love it!
Here is a shot at 21 weeks! This was taken at work, after I ate lunch and a few Tim Horton's donuts for dessert!

Over the past few weeks Scott and I have been hard at work preparing Baby Girl's room for her arrival. Our guest room (which was also a bit of a storage room) will now be Baby's room. We had a lot of cleaning and relocating to do, but it is mostly all done now. Next we will work on refinishing two dressers we will be used for nursery furniture. We are also working on scheduling a weekend for my parents to come visit us and help paint Baby's room and complete some other odd-and-ends projects around the house.

In the past few weeks I have also managed to start a registry at both Target and Babies-R-Us; although neither is complete. We found some bedding we like and have decided on a nursery theme. But we still need to decide on some of the more important items, like a carseat.

I had my six month check-up last week and the midwife says that Momma and Baby Girl are doing well. The midwife measured me for the first time at this appointment and I am on track for the original due date they gave me, February 12th. I have been saying February 7th based on the initial ulstrasound we had as part of the study and based on our IUI timing, but I am measuring on track based on LMP. So, February 12th it is. This means that my weeks are counted from Saturdays now, not from Wednesdays as I've been doing all along. I guess those doctors really do know what they're talking about! So, this coming Saturday the 22nd I will hit the 24 week mark!

20 Weeks - Anatomy Scan! It's a.......

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18 Weeks

This week we are 18 weeks into our pregnancy, almost half way there! A lot has been happening in the past two weeks. For starters, I've been able to feel Baby T moving a bit throughout the day. I feel him/her a lot at night when I lie down for bed and Baby is usually pretty active after lunch each day. It is the most wonderful feeling and I can't wait until we can start feeling the baby on my belly.
My belly is starting to get pretty big and I am starting to notice it more during day-to-day activities. I am really feeling it in the way when I bend over, which is getting to be a little difficult.
I have my monthly check-up next week and then the big anatomy/gender ultrasound the following week. Both Scott and I are getting excited to find out if Baby T is a boy or a girl. We are still working on names but we still haven't come to any real decisions yet. It's fun to look.
I've been talking to Baby a lot lately and want to get some baby books so I can start reading to him or her.

Here is this week's Belly Shot! 18 Weeks and loving Every. Single. Minute.

16 Weeks

I hope everyone is enjoying reading my updates as much as I love writing them. Last week I had my 4 month check-up. The midwife found baby's heartbeat right away and it was 150. We scheduled our anatomy scan for September 20th and we are really excited to find out the gender. Scott and I have been making a list of names, but it only seems to be growing. We are still sticking to our original plan to keep the name to ourselves until Baby T makes his or her debut in February.
This past two weeks I think my belly has really popped out and I love it. I've been feeling a lot of stretching and can't imaging what it will be like when I get really big. Which, if you look at my pictures I am pretty sure I will be VERY big bu the end. But I am loving every minute of it!
I am rubbing my belly a lot and talking to the baby. Lately I've been telling baby that I want to feel him or her move but I haven't felt anything yet. Last week we went to a Detroit Tiger's game. Here is a picture of baby at baby's first game.

Baby T #1 Tiger's Fan - First Verlander Game!

And one of Mommy and Daddy at the game.

I've also decided to take a bare belly picture in the same clothes I was wearing for my 7 week picture. My sister Sara said that I should take pictures in the same clothes so you can really see the difference. Here it is!

7 Weeks

16 Weeks - Whoah Baby Belly!

14 Weeks - 2nd Trimester, We Have Arrived!!

I am thrilled to post that we have officially hit the 2nd Trimester of this pregnancy. I know there are so many exciting experiences to come. The first trimester went well, no morning sickness and I felt really good the entire way through. I hope the second one will be just as kind to me.
I have been having a bit of belly pain and stretching for the past two days, so it seems like I may really be growing some more. I am very happy that my belly is really now looking like I am actually pregnant. It is all feeling so good and so real.
I've been bad about posting pictures for the past two weeks. I will add the one I put on facebook last week which was taken at 13 weeks.
I survived camping last weekend and even braved tubing down the Muskegon River with all of our friends. We had a really good time and I think Baby T liked it!

And one at 14 weeks 4 days

13 Week Update

We hit 13 weeks into our pregnancy this Tuesday and we are so excited. It has been a week filled with a lot of milestones. First, I am almost completely out of 'regular' clothes and am moving on to maternity clothes. As of Monday morning I could no longer button or zip my regular dress pants for work. I went to the mall on my lunch hour and bought two pairs of maternity pants and I absolutely love them! They are so comfortable that I am afraid I may never go back. My belly is definitely out there now!
Over the weekend we had dinner with some of our friends, one who is about 19 weeks pregnant. We had a really nice time and she and I talked a lot about being pregnant. This is her second pregnancy so it was nice to talk to a BTDT (been there done that) mom. She had some great advice. It was also a bit of a turning point for me because we talked a bit about having babies so close together and how they would get to play together, it just made it a little more real for me. When Scott and I got home from dinner I actually started crying a little (dang hormones) because I was so excited for Baby T!
Then today, Wednesday, I was getting dressed for work and my shirts no longer fit around my belly. I actually went to work today with the stretchy panel in my maternity pants showing below my shirt by a good inch or two. Looks like I'll be going back to the mall or the resale shop for some tops!
I continue to feel really good. I am still tired at night but I think the sheer exhaustion that I was feeling from about noon until bedtime may have resolved. Also, when I bend over I can really feel my belly get in the way. I am afraid that I could be really big by the end of this, but I am loving every minute of it!
No picture this week, but I will post some after our weekend camping trip that is coming up. 3 days at Merrill Lake with a group of 20 friends camping. I can't wait!

12 Week Update

We hit the 12 week mark, although not without a little bump in the road. The good news is that everything is okay, baby and I are doing well. This week started out a little crazy at work, lots of stress with the normal dealings of working as a Quality Manager. I got home from work Tuesday night and decided that since the temperature finally dropped below 90 degrees I was going to go for a nice long walk outside. I have been walking about 30 minutes a day, so heading out for a walk was pretty normal. I thought it would be good to get some cardio in and clear my head a little. I geared up, grabbed a bottle of water, put the leash on Benji and headed out. I walked for about 40 minutes and soon after I got home I went to the bathroom to find that I was spotting. I was crushed. It was only a little bit of brown blood, but I was still so scared. I couldn't even think straight. After a few minutes of crying, I calmed down enough to call the after-hours number at my OB. Scott was still at work and not due home for about another hour.
I spoke with the answering service attendant and she told me the on-call doctor would be calling me back very soon. It only took about ten minutes and the doctor called. I explained what happened and the doctor asked a string of questions. Yes, I recently had an ultrasound and everything looked good. Yes we heard a strong heartbeat. No, I am not having any cramping or bright red blood.
The doctor assured me that this can happen and that it did not sound threatening, but just to be sure I should call the office in the morning, explain what happened and ask to be seen.
Scott arrived home shortly after I talked to the doctor and he was wonderful. He held me and let me cry a little and calmed me down. He even encouraged me to call one or two of my been-there-done-that friends and see what they had to say. I called both A and J and they were wonderful support as well!
I was able to remain pretty calm last night, after the initial shock and scare anyway, and finally went to bed around 10:00, well after my usual bed time.

I called the OB's office this morning and they were able to see me right away. The doctor did an exam and used the doppler to hear the heartbeat. Everything was fine! Heartbeat was 157 and my exam was all clear, no more spotting!

So, here is the picture I took last night after my walk but before the drama. Me and Baby T at 12 weeks!

11 Weeks - July 19

This week I am 11 weeks pregnant. Scott and I had our first appointment at our OBGYN and met with a midwife. I really liked her a lot and I will continue to see the midwives at the practice throughout the pregnancy.
During the appointment the midwife used the doppler and we heard the heartbeat, it was 161. They gave me an official due date of February 12, 2012.
I really don't have much more to report now. I am still really tired in the evenings but hoping this will pass in the next few weeks. I am starting to think about all of the things we need to do to get ready for Baby T. The list is growing my my energy is not.

10 Weeks - July 12

Okay, so I am an entire week late in making this post. Hopefully you can agree that 'better late than never'!
My sister, and fellow blogger, told me today that I should be posting weekly updates so I will do my very best to start doing so.

Week 10
I have to say that I have been extremely blessed on the morning sickness front. I have had none. The only real nausea I get is from my prenatal vitamin and if I wait more than about 3 hours to eat something.
Since the very beginning of our pregnancy I have been extremely tired. I am in bed every night by about 9:00. Most evenings I have just enough energy to grab dinner, clean up a little, and lie on the couch either watching TV or reading. Exciting stuff, eh?
I am still feeling pretty bloated any my belly is pretty big by the end of each day. I start the mornings feeling good and not too bloated, but as I eat throughout the day my belly just grows and grows.
Here are two pictures of my belly. The first one was taken at 7 weeks and the second one was taken tonight at 11 weeks after dinner. I only had a bowl of cereal but I feel like I ate an entire Thanksgiving dinner!

Seven Weeks Belly Shot

Eleven Weeks Belly Shot

I also had an ultrasound last week on Tuesday, which was 10 weeks. I was able to see Baby T wiggling around and moving his (or her) arms and legs. I told Scott that it looked like the baby was doing The Robot!

Ultrasound Picture 10 Weeks

You can see the head on the left and the body and two little arms!


Scott and I have our first big appointment at the OB tomorrow and hopefully we will get one more ultrasound! I will post again tomorrow with updates from the appointment and an official 11 week update!

Eight Weeks - An Update

I am eight weeks today and I had one follower ask for an update, so here it is.
Last Tuesday we went for our second ultrasound. We were one day shy of being three weeks from our IUI. Scott and I went in for our ultrasound and we got to see the baby. It was still just a little blob, but we got to see and hear the heartbeat. It was amazing. The technician was so fast that we had to ask her to do it again because we didn't realize what we were hearing at first! She measured the baby and we were measuring at exactly 7 weeks. That puts us one day ahead of the timing based on the IUI, which the doctor said was right on track.
We did get an ultrasound picture but I let Scott take it to work before I had a chance to scan it, so hopefully I will get it back and I can post it soon.

The weekend after we found out we were pregnant I was feeling extremely bloated. I called my sister Sara to ask "Is this normal?" I am sure it will be the first of many calls to my two sisters who have had children. She reassured me that it was indeed normal and offered to let me come to her house to raid her closet for maternity clothes! I felt a little silly doing it so quickly but the bloat was already getting a little out of control. I left with some great items, including two dresses that have been wardrobe staples ever since. I also got some shorts and a few pairs of cargo pants. They've been heaven-sent for my weekend wear.
I have been very lucky and feeling really good. My only symptoms are being really, really tired, bloating, and my boobies are sore and growing. (If you're reading this, sorry Dad!)I have also been bloated and it progresses throughout the day. I start out fine in the morning, but by the time I've had breakfast and lunch my belly starts to stick out. I know it's just bloat right now, it's too early for it to be the baby. But I love it. I proudly stick my tummy out each night for Scott to rub or kiss. He is so excited. It is still sinking in for both of us.
Last weekend I went with Sara to Slightly Pregnant, a maternity resale shop. I was looking for some work pants and didn't have much luck. We took Emily shopping with us and stopped for lunch. I experienced my first bit of mommie-camaraderie. A random woman started talking to us at Pei Wei, telling us all about her two daughters. It was a little weird. But, a big thanks to Sara for taking me shopping and treating me to lunch.

Today we are eight weeks and I am afraid that morning sickness might be kicking in, but it is starting in the afternoon and hanging around throughout the evening. If it means a health pregnancy, I'll take it!

We were released from the study/RE last week and don't have any more visits at the clinic. I will see the OB for my first appointment on July 14th. I'll try to do better with updates in the meantime!

Our First Ultrasound 5w4d

Scott, Baby, and I had our first ultrasound this morning. We are currently about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, based on my LMP. Next week the doctor will give us a more precise date, based on the size of the baby durning our next ultrasound.
At our ultrasound this morning, everything looked good. I am posting a picture, and if you look at the photo and all you can think of is Ross and Rachel on Friends, you are not alone. There really isn't a whole lot to see this early. But, you can see the gestational sac, which is the larger black bean-shaped thing. The yolk sac, which is the small little lighter circle within the bean-shaped sac. At the very bottom of the yolk sac, you can kind of, almost, barely, see a little white line or blob, that is the baby!
We also got to see the heart beat! It was just a little flicker on the screen, but it was amazing.
We go back next week for another ultrasound. The doctor said that the baby should about double in size by then and we'll be albe to see a little more and we should be able to hear the heartbeat too!

Finally!

It finally happened! After nearly three long years, we got our BFP! Like all of the celebrities say, "We are over the moon!"
It all started last Monday night, Memorial Day. Scott and I spent the weekend camping with family and friends. We had a great time. Since I was in the TWW I didn't drink, which was actually quite fun. We arrived home on Monday evening and I was feeling a little off. I really didn't think much of it because of the long weekend we spent at the lake. But by Monday night, I had a sneaking suspicion that something might be up.
Tuesday morning Scott went to work and I had another vacation day. I was planning on putting all of the camping stuff away, doing laundry, and just relaxing. Instead I woke up Tuesday morning, ran out to the car to go to the dollar store for some HPTs--pregnancy tests. And yes, they sell them for $1 each at the dollar store.
Well, the car was dead. I had left the lights on all weekend long. I called AAA and they came to jump the car. I raced off to the store, ran in, and bought 5 HPTs. I got home and used two of them. The first one came up a little weird because the dye ran. I thought there were two lines, but they were smeared. The second one came up with two lines right away. Then I took a third. Positive too!
I was in shock and disbelief. So I ran up to K-Mart, which is right around the corner from our house. I got a two-pack of FRERs, the gold standard in home pregnancy tests. There was a 'normal' test in the pack and there was also a digital test.
I took both of them right away and this is what I got!

I was laughing and crying. I just couldn't believe it. I called the nurse at the clinic right away. I needed verification that I wasn't seeing the remnants of my trigger shot. She said that it was most likely a positive test and I should come in the next morning for our scheduled Beta draw.
I called Scott at work and told him. He was just like me, in shock and disbelief. We decided to be cautiously optimistic until the blood work the next day.
Wednesday I went in for my Beta and it came back at 260.
Friday I went for a repeat and it was 847.
Sunday I went for another one and it was 1747.
Tuesday was my last draw and it was 4668.
My numbers are rising well and doubling like they should.
Our first ultrasound is scheduled for June 15th!

We are pregnant!

Oh, and we have told family and some close friends, but we are not "Facebook ready" yet, so please only post comments here if you know me in real life. Nothing on Facebook for a few weeks yet.

7 DPIUI - Days Past Intra-uterine Insemination

Well, I have one week down and one week to go in this thing known as the TWW: the two week wait from the IUI until it's time to take a pregnancy test. I went to the clinic this morning for blood work and an ultrasound to check to see how my body responded to the medications and the IUI, as well as checking if my body is baby-ready. I had blood work to check my progesterone level. Around 7 days past ovulation and IUI it should be above 10 on an unmedicated cycle and above 20 on a medicated cycle. Mine was 46!! This is very good news and means that if there is a little embie (fertilized egg) working its way down into my 'lil oven my body is producing enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. I also had an ultrasound to check to see if there are any corpus luteum cysts, which indicate an egg is released. Well, I had two! So it looks like I released two eggs. They also checked my uterine lining, which should be over 9. Mine was 13.1 which again is really good. The blood work and ultrasound indicate that my oven is ready for a little bun. Let's hope that one (or both) of these two eggies met one of Scott's fantabulous swimmers and starts baking our bun soon!
Just one more week until my beta draw to see if this IUI worked! I am hoping I can make it through this next week without POAS!!

Welcome ICLW-ers!

Welcome to all of those participating in May's ICLW and thank you for stopping by my blog.
This past month I heard about the Creighton Model of IF Treatment and am looking for any thoughts or experiences using this. It's a little different, and does not advocate for IUI or IVF but instead uses Natural Family Planning methods combined with hormone and supplement therapy to treat the underlying cause of infertility instead of 'over-riding' it by using IUI and IVF. It is faith-based and definitely not for everyone. But I would love any feedback on this, especially if you've had any experience. My first and so far only post relating to this can be found HERE. If you would rather comment on another post, feel free to find one that looks interesting to you.

I especially like my experience with getting our first order for a semen analysis, my first experience with an IM trigger shot

Confessions of an Infertile

While going through what we have been through over the past three years I have had times when some pretty crazy thoughts run through my mind. Sometimes they are laughable and sometimes they are sad. I've also said or done some things that are pretty crazy as well. The Catholic in me thinks that if I confess these things, (not in the actual confession booth, but here in the blogosphere) then maybe I can be forgiven. Maybe someone else can say that they have been there with me too. For ICLW week I've decided to share a few. Please feel free to add your own!

Sometimes I have mild panic attacks and play through my head the dreaded possibility that my next get-together with friends may result in one of them announcing a pregnancy. I really hope that by now my close friends and family realize that they are in an "announce at your own risk zone". Maybe I could make a T-shirt for such occasion! I might even make enough money to pay for our next round of treatments. It's not that I won't eventually be happy for this person, but I know I won't be able to predict nor control my initial reaction. So a phone call or a text a day or two ahead of time would be much appreciated.

I've actually POAS within a few days of my HCG trigger shot just to see what a BFP actually looks like, knowing it's just the trigger shot causing the positive test. Hey, I'll take what I can get at this point.

Sometimes I will avoid running in the TWW just because I don't want to bounce my potential bean too much and prevent implantation. Crazy, I know. But I still don't run much in the TWW. Sometimes not at all.

I still drink too much coffee. Two cups a day, and sometimes another half-cup after lunch. I can't seem to completely cut out caffeine from my diet.

When I see a woman with twins, or a former friend or aquaintence on Facebook with twins, I have an overwhelming urge to ask this person the name and number for their RE. I realize that twins actually do occur in nature, in the regular world of pregnancies, and not only with medical intervention. But still, I can't help but wonder.

I actually long for cankles, morning sickness, sleepless nights and swollen body parts.

I am extremely jealous of people who have no idea what a TWW is, what CM is, what POAS means, and IUI, ART, DOR, ICSI, etc., ect.!

When people ask me how things are going with our fertility treatments, I just say "things are going well". I can't bring myself to actually open up any more because I am afraid that if I start talking I won't be able to stop.

I recently had dinner with friends and told two of my girlfriends and one of their husbands that the combination of fertility drugs and supplements has cause me to grow a beard. Now while it isn't an actual beard, I have noticed a few little chin hairs that I NEVER had before. Age? Hormones? Supplements? Who knows. Either way it sucks and I can't believe I actually said this out loud, over a glass of wine before dinner, in front of my friend's husband.

At our last IUI my DH wasn't even there with me and I was actually ok with it. I love him dearly, and he is a wonderful support, but it just didn't work with our schedule. He went to the office first to 'deposit his sample' then came home and went to work. I went back to the office two hours later for the IUI and read some Dracula while waiting out the 30 minutes post-IUI on the table.

I took a picture while lying on the table because DH wasn't there and thought that if this cycle was successful he should at least have a picture of when it happened. It was just a picture of my knees covered with the paper blankie.

Sometimes I don't even shut my office door anymore when I am at work and the RE's office calls with blood work results.

I blame everything on the fertility meds even when I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with the meds. Overate tonight, it's the meds. Face breaking out, it's the meds. Crabby at work or at my husband, tired, happy, insomnia, bloated, it's the meds.

I actually made an Excel chart to determine my estimated HCG levels each day after taking the trigger shot. I did this so that I know when I can start testing and get reliable results.

PUPO!

Just a quick status update. We had our second IUI this morning! Everything went really well and we are very hopeful for this cycle. I responded very well to the meds and the timing for the IUI was fabulous. So, for now, and for the next 12 to 14 days, I am PUPO.
I am hoping the next two weeks go smoothly and I don't obsess too much over every twinge and possible symptom. I will go back to the clinic next Wednesday for blood work to check progesterone. I am keeping my fingers, toes, and anything else I can cross, crossed!

Sorry for the Mess

I am desperately trying to give my blog a facelift, so if you are here and it looks a little messy, I apologize.
Hopefully I will have it all set tonight, but I am a bit of a newbie to blog design.
Wish me luck!

Ready to Trigger

Well, it's that time again. Time for me to take the trigger shot and get ready for our IUI. I went to the clinic this morning for monitoring: blood work and an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed two good follicles in my right ovary. One is 27mm and the other is 24mm. My lining was great at 9.1 and my E2 is 329! I will take the trigger shot tonight between 9:00 and 10:00. Scott and I will then go back to the clinic Wednesday morning for the IUI.
I am a little nervous about the trigger shot because I am pretty certain I will have to give it to myself. My mother-in-law is out of town, and she gave the the shot last cycle. (Remember the story?) Since she is traveling, I could have my sister-in-law do it, but I really don't think I want to make the trip, it's about an hour round-trip from our house to hers and back. So I will muster up the courage to do it myself.

Creighton NaPro, Why am I just now hearing about this?!

My mother-in-law is becoming notorious for stumbling upon things which lead to amazing discoveries. First she found an ad in the local paper looking for subjects for a trial for infertility. This lead to Scott and I applying and then being accepted to the study in which we are currently participating.
Then last week she sent me an email she found in her SPAM box. It was about Catholic Infertility Treatment, which I thought was an oxymoron. I mean, most all ART is frowned upon by the Catholic Church and I have my own reservations and limits when it comes to treatments.
Well, I read the email from D and was incredibly interested. Did you know that there is a Catholic Infertility Treatment Center in Omaha Nebraska? It's called the Pope Paul VI Institute of Human Reproduction. And there are doctors all over the U.S. (although none in Michigan). There are Creighton Model Practitioners in the area and I've signed up for an introductory session in June. Based on what I have read so far the Creighton Model is an Natural Family Planning method that is also used to treat women's reproductive health and pinpoint fertility issues which allows the doctors to actually treat the issue. With traditional ART the doctors typically stimulate ovulation in the hopes of creating multiple eggs each cycle therefore increasing the chances that one of them will fertilize. Creighton doctors are trained in NaPro technology and look at a biomarkers during a woman's cycle, typically fertile and non-fertile fluid, in conjunction with monitoring hormones throughout her cycle in order to identify and treat various issues. The Creighton Model can treat various reproductive issues including infertility, postpartum depression, luteal phase (progesterone) defects, and other issues. Creighton Model doctors are also exceptionally trained in treating endometriosis, which as it turns out is something I will need.
My ultrasounds at our current RE have been showing a steady "cyst" in my left ovary each month. Each month it is the same size, which is not typical. Cysts usually shrink over a month or two. At our first ultrasound Dr. S said that he thought it could be endometriosis on my left ovary and that he would keep an eye on it. After it showed up again on Monday's ultrasound, I called and scheduled an appointment for a consultation. I had the appointment this afternoon and Dr. S is pretty certain it is indeed the dreaded endo. It has remained less than 20mm in size, but is in every single ultrasound we have done over the past three months. Endometriosis can be the fertility kiss-of-death if not treated. He wants me to schedule a laparocsopic surgery to remove the endo on my ovary and look for any other endo that may be present. He wants to wait until we have completed the study before he performs the surgery. However, if we do not get pregnant while in the study I am pretty sure we will move on to a Creighton/NaPro doctor for further treatments.
This is a rather devastating diagnosis, but I have faith that D sent me the email for a reason. We are just taking this one day at a time.

Update - Rest Cycle Completed

I woke up very early Saturday morning with horrible cramps; Aunt Flo made her arrival which means that my rest cycle is over and we are moving on to our second cycle with IUI!
I am starting this cycle feeling a little different than usual, almost a little indifferent. Don't get me wrong, I want this cycle to be successful. I want, more than anything, to be pregnant. But I am approaching this cycle knowing that we have done all we can and that this is really in God's hands.
I drove to the clinic this morning for my baseline blood work and ultrasound. Things looked really good and I had 11 antral follicles. I received my medication and will start taking it today. I'll go back to the clinic early next week for another ultrasound and blood work to check my follicle developmente and we will most likely do the IUI sometime next week.

Taking a Break, Having a Breakdown

Well, here I am about two weeks into our 'rest cycle' (thanks to some residual follicles/cysts)and I thought I was coping quite well. Until yesterday afternoon. I was having a nice phone conversation with my mother when out of nowhere I started crying. She asked what we were doing on our Easter Sunday and I fully admitted that we had avoided going to Mass because I couldn't face sitting for an hour and a half surrounded by happy, joyous families dressed in their Easter finest: little girls in dresses, bows and hats; little boys in their cute dress pants, vests and ties. I just couldn't do it. It is supposed to be the holiest and most joyous day of the year and I sat home feeling alone, sad, and devastated.
My breakdown didn't last long, but I poured my heart out to my mom, and she was fabulously supportive. But for the first time I really voiced my fears. What if this doesn't happen for us? We have three cycles left in this treatment plan. I don't want to focus on what happens if we don't get pregnant yet part of me feels that I need to prepare for both of the outcomes. These next three cycles change everything for us. We've pretty much realized that we can't afford further treatments. There really isn't any room in our budget to save for IVF or the difficult decision of using donor eggs. We might be able to scrounge up enough to adopt, but I don't know that adoption is really an option for us.
I know that there are many other women out there struggling with this same situation. Wondering where we will be left if this doesn't work. I realize that my thoughts and fears aren't unique to my situation, that unfortunately these questions have been asked my many. But what if this doesn't work? What if I never get pregnant? What if I have to face another holiday without a baby, a child to rear. Can we learn to live child free and be happy, fulfilled, satisfied? Will I always feel this empty? Will holding a beautiful niece, nephew, or child of a friend be enough for me? Will I always avoid holidays, events, parties?

The one thing that struck me the most was the fact that I realized, in the midst of this breakdown, that I don't even know how to talk to my friends any more. It seems like this is consuming me. When someone asks me "What's new?" the first thing that comes to my mind is to tell them where we are with our treatments, Scott's latest experience waiting his turn at the RE to produce his sample. Me driving like a mad-woman to my MIL's house so she can give me my trigger shot.

I know we won't always be here, in this situation. I only hope that in the next three months we will finally be pregnant. Because if we're not I am not sure how I will handle it.

Holding Pattern

I went to the clinic this morning for my blood work and an ultrasound to check everything before we start IUI Cycle #2. Each cycle starts this way, a check of my Estradoil (E2) levels and a good look at my giblets (ovaries and uterus). It's a rather strange little thing to go through. I step into a small dressing room, disrobe from the waist down, wrap a paper blanket around myself and shuffle into the ultrasound room. There is always a sonographer and a study coordinator in the room. I do have to say that I absolutely love the study coordinators. There are three women about my age and they are wonderful; so caring and understanding, willing to answer any questions I have. Two of the girls are runners too, so we've been talking about races this summer and our training schedules. It's nice to connect.
Okay, back to the giblet check. The sonographer performs the ultrasound. During a regular ART cycle, there is usually just the sonographer who will then give the ultrasound results to the RE to interpret. But since I am taking part in a study a coordinator is always present to record all of my results.
The sonographer studies the ultrasound pictures on the screen and calls out the measurements and findings to the coordinator who then records them for the study. As I was lying on the table this morning the sonographer started her measurements, checking my antral follicle count, measuring my lining, ovary size and corpus luteum cysts (the follicle casings remaining from any eggs that were released during my previous cycle.) She counted five antrals on my right side, and two corpus luteum cysts. Then she measured the cysts. One was something, I can't remember the size, and the second on was 47mm.
Oh. Shit.
I knew it right then. In order to avoid overstimulation most RE's worth their salt won't start another medicated cycle if there are any cysts over 30mm. For those of you who don't remember metric conversions from elementary school, I have a nice little almost two inch cyst in my right ovary.
She went on to measure my left, 8 antrals and one corpus luteum cyst plus two more. This corpus luteum one was 49mm! What!?! I have another almost two inch cyst in my left ovary!
A cyst aren't necessarily a bad thing; they actually means I ovulated. And the presence of three cysts means that I released three eggs this past cycle. This is a good thing, meaning that I responded well to the medications and produced some good little eggies.
The presence of the large cysts isn't so uncommon on a medicated cycle. But it does mean that we have to sit this next cycle out and hope that my body recovers and that the cysts reduce in size (which they should). Taking the cycle off should allow time for recovery, and thankfully I don't lose one of my four treatment cycles--the cycle off doesn't count against us.
Scott and I were both disappointed. Really disappointed because the first IUI didn't work and then that we have to wait a month until we can start our second round. I guess I'll just take this next month as time to get healthier, eat well, and get back on my running schedule.

FYAF

Well, this little acronym isn't a happy one. It's for F*** You Aunt Flow. She made her appearance this afternoon, on schedule, just as I've been predicting since around Thursday. So this first IUI was not successful. We are moving on to IUI Cycle #2. I'll go to the clinic tomorrow for my bloodwork and ultrasound to start the cycle, and they'll give me my medications which I will start on Tuesday. This means that IUI #2 will fall around or over Easter weekend.

Wishing and Waiting

Well, here I am, in my TWW, waiting to see if this first IUI was successful. It is still a little too early to be feeling any real symptoms, but of course I am still analyzing every twitch and potential sign.
I had my progesterone tested yesterday. During ART this is typically done around 7-9 days past ovulation to determine if you actually ovulated. A progesterone level over 10 indicates ovulation. Mine was 14. I am now 9 days past the IUI and have 6 days left until I go back to the clinic for a blood test to see if we are pregnant. Although I think I will have a pretty good idea before next Monday morning. According to my usual cycle pattern my period is due Saturday or Sunday. (Aren't you glad I share so much information!?!?) If it hasn't arrived by Monday morning then I think my chances of being pregnant are pretty good. But that's still almost a week away. I am trying to get through the next few days without stressing or obsessing too much. I think it helps to know that if this cycle doesn't work we still have three more chances.

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I talked to my mom and dad a little bit this weekend about the struggles of sharing information with friends and family. The up side to it is that I have so much support from so many wonderful people. The down side is that everyone is expecting updates. I've taken that safety net away; the one where most people wait a few weeks to share their good news and savor it for themselves. The same net that allows for you to digest the heartbreak of another failed cycle for a few days before moving. But since I've share the details with my friends and family, the exact time I took my trigger shot, the date and time of the IUI, the day my period is due, and the date of my pregnancy test at the clinic, I know people will be waiting to hear the results. I am afraid of having to share bad news if this doesn't work.
I told my parents that if they don't hear from my by Monday afternoon then I probably just need a few days to regroup. But if we do have good news on Monday you can be sure that I will be shouting it from the mountaintops. Okay, not the mountaintops, but you definitely will know!


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I do want to say that I appreciate everyone's prayers and support. The text messages, comments, emails and phone calls are wonderful. They really help to know that even though dealing with IF can seem so lonely that I have wonderful, loving family and friends out there supporting me and letting me know that Scott and I are in your thoughts.

Here's to hoping that this is the last month I am updating you about bloodwork, tests, IUIs and everything that goes with our treatments.

PUPO

In the online land of infertility, there are abbreviations for just about everything. I've introduced you to a few, and others may be new to you, but to me they are standard:
FSH- Follicle Stimulating Hormone
BFP- Big Fat Positive (on a pregnancy test)
BFN- Big Fat Negative (on a pregnancy test)
DH- Dear Husband
DOR- Diminished Ovarian Reserve
IF- Infertilty
AF- Aunt Flow
IUI- Intra-uterine insemination
IVF- In-vitro fertilization
ART- Advanced Reproductive Treatments/Technology
TWW- Two Week Wait - the waiting period from the time a woman ovulates until she can take a pregnancy test (or until AF arrives)

I could go on and on. But I won't because I want to get to the best one yet.
I thought that my nearly three years dealing with trying to get pregnant and surfing my 'fantasy baby league' (as DH calls BabyCenter ) that I had come across every abbreviation there is. Until today.

Today I discovered my most favorite abbreviation ever.
Today I discovered that I am PUPO. Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.
Now don't get too excited because I am not pregnant yet. We just did the IUI a few hours ago and we won't know if this cycle was successful for a few weeks. But this newfound PUPO status allows me to really hope, to really believe that this time might be successful. It's and abbreviation reserved for the select few of us who have undergone ART, where science has stepped in and given us the chance at parenthood that Mother Nature herself couldn't provide.

The IUI went really well today. Scott's count was through the roof and even after the wash he still had a very high count. (He wants everyone to know that he has super swimmers.) Ater they did the wash the sample was a grade "A", which is really good. It means all the little guys were moving well and swimming straight. My ultrasound on Friday showed two very good size follicles. According to the technician and the RE I should release two eggs. With two eggs releasing we have a very good chance that at least one will fertilize. The procedure today was very quick and painless. The woman who performed the IUI was great and explained everything to us before she did it.

We left the office feeling very hopeful and now knowing --that at least in the world of IF-- for the next two weeks we are PUPO.

Ready to Trigger - Chicken!

A lot has happened since my last post. We were accepted to the study last Thursday and I started taking my meds on Friday. I went back to the clinic yesterday morning for monitoring. They took blood to test hormones and did an ultrasound to check my follicle growth. Everything looked good. I have two follicles ready to go, one in each ovary. They were 20mm and 21mm which is a really good size, and even better that they are so close in size. Usually if one is larger than the other, the smaller one will stop growing, and the larger one will take over and be the only egg to release. If both are very close in size as they develop and stay close in size until I trigger, then there is a very good chance that I will release both eggs. Twins? Maybe. But let's not get ahead of ourselves yet.

I was planning giving myself the trigger shot Friday night. When you get to this point in fertility treatments, everything is pretty precise. My bloodwork and ultrasound showed that I was almost ready to ovulate on my own, and the trigger shot needs to be taken at a point when the follicles are large enough to contain mature eggs to release, but before my body ovulates on my own. The nurse told me that I needed to trigger between 9:00 and 10:00 p.m. on Friday night. This is because the trigger shot makes you ovulate approximately 36-40 hours after you take it and the release of the eggs needs to be precisely coordinated with the timing of the IUI. We will go back to the clinic Sunday morning for the IUI, which will be 36 hours from the time I 'triggered' (took the shot).

Well, 9:00 rolled around last night and I was talking to my mom on the phone. I had to let her go so I could prepare and take the shot. This form of the trigger shot is different than the one I previously took. Before I took Ovidrel which comes already prepared in a syringe with a needle. I only had to swab my belly with some alcohol, pinch up a little bit of belly fat, stick myself and plunge the medication into my belly. This time around it's not so easy. This dose is an intramuscular shot and needs to be administered into my butt muscle. Yes, into the muscle. I was pretty sure I could do it myself and the nurse assured me that there are may women who do this. And Scott, I love him dearly, but he said "I can't even watch an episode of Gray's Anatomy without feeling sick, there's no way I can give you the shot."
So, at 9:15 I started to prepare the shot. One vial of water to reconstitute the freeze dried medication, one vial of the medication, one syringe, and three needles. (Just in case I need more than one try.) I mixed the medication, drew it up into the syringe, tapped out the air bubbles, swabbed my hip with alcohol, counted "one, two, three..." and hesitated. I was nervous that it would really hurt, that I wouldn't be able to pull up the syringe to check for blood, what if I had to pull the needle out and do it again? So, I started over, counted again "one, two, three..." pulled back to poke myself, and then hesitated. I did this about a hundred more times. It was now 9:30 and I realized I just couldn't do it myself. I was a total chicken-s#*t! Time to call in for reinforcements.

I called my mother-in-law and said "Diane, are you busy? If I drive down to your house can you give me a shot in my butt?" Thankfully I had already talked to her and asked her if she could give me the shot if I wasn't able to do it myself. She said "Of course!" I grabbed the syringe, the two extra needles and the box the meds came in, threw them in a ziplock baggie and headed out to Machi's house. As I'm driving down to her house I realize I don't have a prescription for the medication that is now sitting in a syringe, in a plastic baggie, in the front seat of my car. (Because this is a study, the coordinator just gives me the drugs when I am at my appointment. I don't fill a prescription at a pharmacy) I am in my pajamas and winter coat, tennis shoes untied, in my coke-bottle glasses, looking a little rough and very frazzled. I am contemplating a quick prayer "Please God, don't let me get pulled over!" as I try not to speed down to Machi's so she can give me the shot before 10:00. I was convinced I somewhat resembled a drug addict.

I made it to her house with ten minutes to spare. Munchie (Diane's beautiful but high-strung sheltie) is yipping at me and turning in excited circles at our feet as Diane tells me to lie across her couch with my booty in the air, pants pulled down over my right hip, as she taps the air out of the syringe and then gives me the shot. Munchie realized the situation was serious (LOL) and calmed down She even nuzzled up to me as I was lying on the couch. It was hilarious. I am sure others have endured stranger situations to get to their goal. I had to laugh. The whole thing was hilarious. But we managed to get it all done. I stayed at her house until midnight eating some delicious raspberry-chocolate ice cream talking about the follies of dealing with infertility. It ended up being a very nice evening.

So we wait until tomorrow (Sunday) morning when we go back to the clinic for the actual IUI. Then I go back about 9 days after the IUI for more bloodwork and yet another ultrasound. Two weeks from Sunday, if I haven't started my period, I will go back for a blood draw to check my beta levels to see if I am pregnant. If I am, I will shout it from the mountain tops, post it on Facebook, Twitter, and maybe even my email signature at work. Okay, probably not there, and definitely not before we first tell our parents. But we are so excited and hopeful.
Which leaves me in a strange place. I've shared quite a lot of information with friends and family, even some co-workers. So most people will know when we should know if we are pregnant or not. I am sure some will be anxious to hear the results, but I am afraid that if it doesn't work I may not want to share the news right away. I don't know. I guess I don't really want to think about that. The good thing is that with the study, we get four chances so I am not feeling too much pressure for this first cycle.

For now, I will probably post again tomorrow to tell you all how the IUI went. And then we will wait and see. Because the trigger shot is actually the hormone your body produces when you are pregnant, which is the same hormone a home pregnancy test detects, I can't test early. The trigger shot will produce a false-positive on a home pregnancy test for about 10-14 days after the shot. The only way to know if we are pregnant is to wait for the blood work in two weeks. So, let the waiting begin.

Accepted!!!

Just a quick update. This past week has been very busy, and a little stressful. We've been chugging along with the testing at the clinic so that we can participate in their study. Yesterday I had my cycle day 3 bloodwork done and my FSH and E2 levels were tested. FSH was 10.8 and E2 as 42. Both levels meet the study requirements and we officially start cycling today! This means that I start taking the stimulating meds to get ready for the IUI (insemination). I went back to the clinic this morning for yet another full blood work-up and an ultrasound. This is the second ultrasound at the clinic and I had 14 antral follicles again!!! This is fabulous news.
I was also assigned my medications today. Scott and I were both hoping for the Menopur, which is an injectable drug. But we didn't get the Menopur. Instead we received either Clomid or Femara. We don't know which one because it is a blind study. Also, the pills are over-coated and don't look anything like the pills I took before so I have absolutely no idea what we got.

We are very excited and hopeful that the treatments will finally get us pregnant! I'll try to keep everyone posted.

One Step Closer

I went to the clinic today for a physical, baseline blood work, pap, and ultrasound. Scott goes for his semen analysis on Thursday and I go next week for my hormone check at the beginning of my cycle. We are one step closer to meeting all of the requirements for the study and being able to start our first treatment cycle next week.
The exam went well today and my ultrasound looked really good. I am in my luteal phase, which is the two weeks after ovulation but before my period starts. Dr. Manny said it was a great time for the ultrasound and he was able to get some really good images of my uterus and ovaries. (Dad, sorry if you're reading this!) The really, really good news is that I had quite a lot of follicles. The last time I had an ultrasound to check antral follicles I only had nine follicles total --that was nine in both ovaries combined. This time I had eight in my left ovary and six in my right, for a total of 14 follicles! 14 follicles is normal! 14 follicles is actually fabulous!!!! 14 follicles without any stimulating drugs!
This is really good because with my previous results combined with the elevated FSH and my low-ish AMH, my follicle count showed a *slightly* diminished ovarian reserve. The 14 follicles today shows that I have more follicles developing this cycle, and more than I've had in any of my previous monitored cycles.
What does this all mean? Well, my elevated FSH means that my body is working harder to produce follicle--my body has to produce more of the Follicle Stimulating Hormone to produce the follicles, which develop and one releases an egg each cycle. My previous AMH level of 0.8 correlated to my antral follicle count of 9. Typically your antral follicle count is ten times your AMH level. So RE's use the AMH level to confirm what they see in the ultrasound when checking antral follicles. A normal AMH level is around 2, but anything under 1.0 is considered on low end. As I explained in my previous posts, this all meant that I had - at best - slightly diminished ovarian reserve. According to my previous RE, and all of the research I've done, this is probably why we haven't been able to get pregnant yet. Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR) means that I don't have very many eggs left, and those that are left may not be the best quality, and tend to not 'want' to fertilize. The low antral follicle count means that there aren't that many eggs developing at the beginning of each cycle, so chances aren't very high that there are very many good eggs in the group. Those of us with DOR are just waiting for that one really good egg to develop and hopefully be fertilized. It's not that we can't get pregnant, it just means that each month our chances are lower than the average bear. It takes longer to get pregnant, and time is not on our side because our ovarian reserve continues to lower over time.

Okay, back to my appointment today. If I had my AMH checked this month, it would probably come in around 1.4, which is significantly better than my previous 0.8.
I don't know why my numbers are so much better. It might be due to the fact that I've been taking wheatgrass twice daily for the past few months. The wheatgrass is supposed to improve your egg quality and quantity, so it seems that I am seeing some real results from it. Dr. Manny said it's okay for me to keep taking it, so that is good. And, I really, really like Dr. Manny.

So, that is all for the update today. I am getting more and more excited as we get closer to starting the study.

Thank God for my 'Meddling Mother-in-Law"!!!!!

Last week while I was at work I saw I had a missed call from my mother-in-law. She doesn't typically call me at work, so I listened to the message and then called her back. I can't even remember now why she actually called me. A few minutes into the conversation she said "Now, I don't want you to think I am a meddling mother-in-law but I saw something in the newspaper the other day and I just have to tell you about it." I was a little nervous. I mean, what could it be? I would never consider D to be 'meddling' and this was a little odd, mostly because it was out of character for her.
She told me that she saw and advertisement for a clinical trial for infertility. She gave me the basic information and asked if I wanted the phone number. I swallowed my first response, which was "Hell yes I want the number!!" and instead said "Yeah, that would be great." Now, I love my MIL (mother-in-law) dearly, and we have wonderful conversations. But that afternoon I couldn't get off the phone quickly enough. I may have been dialing the number for the clinic on my work line as I was wrapping things up with her on my cell.
Long story short, I called the number for the study and Scott and I passed the first portion of the screening process. I scheduled an appointment for the next week for us to go and sign the consent forms. That was last week.
Since then, we met with a study coordinator and we passed the second portion of the screening process. The only thing that stands between us and four months of 100% paid for fertility treatments is one semen analysis for Scott (he passed his last one with flying colors!) and one round of initial blood work for me. As long as my FSH comes in under 12 the whole thing will be a go! My last FSH was 11.0 and that was after three cycles of Clomid. I've read that Clomid can actually cause a rise in FSH. Prior to any fertility treatments, my FSH was 10.2. We are crossing our fingers that my testing comes back within the 'normal' range, under 12, and we can proceed with the trial.

The trial consists of four cycles of medication paired with IUI, which is intrauterine insemination. AKA, the turkey baster method. Here are some details. So if you don't want to know about them, just skip to the next section.
Not this section, the one below the divider lines. The cycle will go like this. Next week I will have a physical and some baseline bloodwork done. This bloodwork is not to measure my fertility hormones, but just basic bloodwork like you would have done at an annual physical. I also have to have a pap smear and and ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries. Then we wait for my period to start. On cycle day 3 I go back for the bloodwork to check my FSH. If that is below 12 then I am assigned a fertility medication for the duration of the study. The medications are Clomid, Femara, and Menopur. The Clomid and Femara are oral pills to take. The Menopur is an injectable stimulating drug. I've taken Clomid and Femara before so I am really hoping for the Menopur. The oral medications are taken on cycle days 3-7, and the Menapour could deviate from this schedule, based in my response. I could take it cycle days 3-7 or I could take it longer.
During this time I will have to go to the clinic for bloodwork and ultrasounds to monitor my follicle (egg) development. Once my follicles have matured I then take what is called a 'trigger shot'. The trigger shot will cause the follicle(s) to release the egg(s) within about 24-48 hours. 48 hours after I take the trigger shot, Scott and I will return to the clinic for the IUI. This is when Scott has to produce his sample which will be 'washed'. This is where the sample is taken into the lab and the not-so-good swimmers are washed away, leaving only the really good and strong swimmers. I will be waiting in a procedure room while all of this is happening. Once all of the good swimmers are ready the doctor will bring them into the procedure room with me and use a catheter to place them directly into my uterus through my cervix.

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Okay. For those of you who skipped to the next section, it is now safe to read.
The study lasts for four cycles. If we get pregnant before the fourth cycle then we the treatments will stop. The clinic will monitor us through the first six weeks then release us to my OBGYN.
According to the consent forms we signed, the study is being conducted to compare the rates of multiple births (twins or more) when using the three drugs to treat unexplained infertiilty. Clomid has a multiple birth rate of about 10%, Menopur has a multiple birth rate of about 20-25%, and Femara is reported have a multiple birth rate similar to that of the 'normal' rate that occurs without medications. The medication doses are standard, and I am won't be pumped with excessive amounts of drugs. Of course there is a risk of twins, but the clinic is very careful with monitoring the number of maturing follicles and most likely won't proceed with the IUI if there are too many follicles present.
I've tried to cover all of the basics, but please ask questions if you have any. I will do my best to answer them.
We are very hopeful and very thankful that D told us about this study. This treatment plan is most likely what we would have done with our regular RE. We were hesitant because the treatments can be costly, around $2500 or more per cycle. The cost depends on how much medication and monitoring is needed during each cycle. Our health insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments so we would be paying out-of-pocket for all bloodwork, ultrasounds, medications and procedures. This really is a blessing. I am so incredibly thankful that my mother-in-law saw the advertisement for this study!
And for the record, I do not think D meddles! But it was a good title for my post.

Balancing Acts and Expectations

One of the things that I struggle with the most as Scott and I continue down this path of trying to start a family is balance. Balancing work and our social life with the appointments, time commitments and general stress of another round of treatments. Balancing our hope and determination with two and a half years of disappointment every month when my cycle starts. Balancing hope with practicality. Balancing risks with rewards. Balancing our budget to pay for the next round of treatment and medications.

Balancing our feelings and emotions have been one of my greatest struggles. Trying to balance my feelings against the feelings of those around us, whom we love dearly. Do I go to the baby shower and risk breaking into tears at some point, or do I stay home and risk hurting a dear friend's feelings? Do I tell the person that something they recently did or said was hurtful and attempt to explain my feelings, or do I just try to swallow it and move on? Do I go to the party or event and hope and pray that no-one pulls me aside to tell me they are pregnant? (That can really ruin a nice party, by the way.) Or do we stay home and make up an excuse because we can't handle the possibility that someone might share their great news?

Do I register for the running event that is four months away, invest in the $85 entrance fee only in the hopes that we are finally pregnant by race day and I won't be able to run the race? We can't put our life on hold and yet we want to remain hopeful. But being hopeful sometimes that means we may miss out on something we really want to do. So do we hope and miss something, or do we just do our best to go along as if nothing is really wrong, as if we aren't waiting for the biggest thing in our lives to finally happen.

The cynical, infertile in me wants to book a very expensive, non-refundable vacation. That would do it, right? I mean, let's pay a few thousand dollars to go on a second honeymoon in the hopes that we get pregnant before the trip. No Pina Colodas for us, or at least none for me.

Sometimes I find that I relate to something I saw on a television show or a movie. It seems that so many stories are developing around a character struggling to get pregnant. I am sure that this is mostly my perception and heightened senses because of our struggle. I find that I don't like it when I relate too much to the characters; it just seems so incredibly cliche. I feel like Mary Catherine Gallagher, "my emotions can be best described by the Lifetime made for TV movie... If you know the skit, you know what I am talking about. Sometimes I think "Seriously, Corinne. Get a grip." But other times I am brought to tears.
My most recent experience occurred while watching Grey's Anatomy last week. Callie recently found herself pregnant, which of course wasn't planned. And to add insult to injury, Callie is a lesbian who after a recent break-up found herself in bed with a male lover from her past. I need to stop here and remind myself that THIS IS JUST A TV SHOW!!! Of course Callie gets pregnant. I mean, would it happen any other way? As if that wasn't insulting enough, the storyline continues and Meredith is drawn in because she struggling with trying to get pregnant. (Did I mention that Meredith is my favorite character?) Callie asked Christina (Meredith's BFF) to be the Godmother to the bun in her oven. Merdeith tells Christina "You told her no, right?" Christina is stunned. Why would she tell Callie no? Near the end of the episode, Meredith finally explains to Christina why this bothers her so much. Meredith says something like "I know this is crazy, but if you say yes to being Callie's baby's Godmother, it's like saying you don't think I will ever be a mother." Ouch. That stung. I cried and cried. Because I've felt that way before. More than once. That something someone said or did had that hint of 'well, you might not get that chance, so I'm going to take this one.'
And it all goes back to balance, and the struggle that I've been having for over two years now. Just because my life isn't happening within the time frame we wanted doesn't mean that everyone else should wait until we finally get there.

The hardest part is that there seems to be no right answer, no right way to go through this and deal with all of our emotions. Of course we hurt when we hear someone dear to us is pregnant. It is all internal hurt, because in our hearts we are beyond happy for these people. But our hearts and bodies also ache, wishing that just this one time it could be us.

I also realize that there probably is no 'right way' for someone to approach these very delicate situations. I could pick apart every situation, but I won't do that. I don't do that. I will say that recently, there have been a few situations where someone close to me has taken me by surprise by acknowledging our struggles. Sometimes it feels good just to hear "I understand that this can be difficult". Strange to say, but it feels good to hear it.

Blessings in Disguise

Scott and I had our appointment scheduled with Dr. B at HFCRM yesterday afternoon at 4:00. I arrived at the appointment a little early and sent Scott a text message to let him know I was already there. He was about 10 minutes away so I decided to take a few minutes to clean out my car. If you know me at all you may know that my car typically looks like I've been living out of it. I had trash, gym clothes, a gym bag, and at least five empty water bottles plus a few coffee mugs that all needed to find their way out of my car. I turned around in my seat to put these things into bags; one for the trash and one to take into the house once I got home.
I was excited for the appointment, excited to start fertility treatments again, and excited for the possibility that we might actually, finally get pregnant. I was also really excited to go to dinner with Scott after the appointment and tell him about the phone call from his mother I got that afternoon. A phone call that might really change the whole game.
I finished cleaning the junk out of the backseat of my car and turned around to gather my purse and bags to go into the doctor's office and wait for our appointment. As I turned around my vision went blurry. It took me a moment to realize that I was getting a migraine. All I could think was "Seriously?" Why would this be happening to me? Now? In the parking lot at the RE's office?!? I called Scott and we decided to cancel the appointment. I really needed to get home and get to bed before my migraine got to be unbearable. I went into the office and told the receptionist that I was ill and we needed to reschedule the appointment. Then I drove home and went to bed.
Maybe it was a good thing the appointment was canceled because the phone call from my mother-in-law was about a study that is currently being conducted at WSU. She gave me the information and I called the study coordinator right away. After a half hour long conversation, where I mostly answered "no" to the questions the woman had for me, we passed the first of two pre-screening sessions! The study is examine multiple birth rates for three different fertility drugs when used to treat unexplained infertility. Even though my hormone levels all point to DOR, my levels are still good enough to qualify for this study. As long as my cycle-day-three FSH level comes in under 12, we should be able to take part in the study. My FSH has been 10.2 and 11.0, so I hope it is still in the same range!!!
The study consists of four medicated cycles, each with a fertility drug and intrauterine insemination (IUI), also know as artificial insemination.
On cycle day 3 we will be given our medications and each cycle they could be different. The study will cover all of our medications, monitoring, testing, bloodwork and the IUI procedure, as well as bloodwork 9 and 14 days after the IUI to confirm ovulation and then test for pregnancy. It is all paid by the study!
So, please send prayers out for Scott and me. We are really hoping that we pass the second part of the pre-screening and that we will qualify. We should know within the next week or two!!

Back to the Beginning

After quite a bit of discussion Scott and I have decided that we are going to go back to see Dr. B at HFCRM. I called and made an appointment and we will see her the week of February 14th. We giving this one more round of treatments and we are doing our best to go into this round with lots of hope and confidence.

This is hard. So hard. But we are keeping a positive outlook and really hoping that whatever Dr. B has in store for us will finally result in a pregnancy.
While I am not exactly looking forward to early morning trips to the RE for monitoring I am very excited that we could maybe, possibly, hopefully (please, please, please!!!) be pregnant within the next few months.

Wow. Not At All What We Expected

Well. I think we are both still in utter and complete shock. We had our appointment this morning with a new RE at a new clinic. The clinic comes very highly recommended and is a top clinic in our area. We were also pleased that the clinic is only about two miles from our home, so traveling for early morning bloodwork and appointments would be much easier than driving all the way to Troy and then back to Auburn Hills for work.
Our appointment was at 11:30, and due to the Monday morning rush and a few emergencies (not ours) at the clinic, we didn't see the doctor until 12:45. The nurse called me in for the appointment and we met with a PA who went over my medical records that were sent over from our first clinic, HFCRM. She warned me that the RE can be very abrupt and wouldn't mince words.
The RE came in and introduced himeself. Very friendly and professional. He quickly reviewed my charts and then said that he would do an ultrasound to complete his prognosis.
I was wisked into the ultrasound room and the RE came in with the PA. He checked my ovaries and showed me a follicle that appears to be producing an egg for this cycle. He finished the exam and then said, quite curtly, that he recommends IVF. He doesn't see any reason to try injectables and IUI (insemination) as it could take many, many cycles to achieve a pregnancy this way. His only recommended course of action was to start IVF. And he also said that given my high FSH, low AMH, and low number of eggs (low AFC) that I probaly wouldn't get pregnant on the first IVF cycle. My chances are about 40%, and his success rates are 65%, meaning that I am well below the average rate.
Scott and I are not ready to do IVF, and I don't know if we will ever be.
I guess we have a lot to think about and some decisions to make over the next few weeks or months.
Do we go back to HFCRM and see what our first RE has to say?
Do we stop here?
Do we scrimp and save and try one round of IVF?
What about the One-Cycle Plus options? We could get one fresh and one frozen cycle for the price of a 'regular' cycle, but then we have to freeze embryos. Something I have always said I would not do.
So. Here we are. We've been told that our chances of concieving 'naturally' are very, very low.
Do we move to adoption?
So many questions.

Back in the Saddle - or the Stirrups...

Well, Scott and I have decided to give this another go and we made an appointment to see a new RE. We have our appointment tomorrow. It's just a consultation where the RE will go over our medical records and discuss our next course of action.
We will most likely do a cycle with oral medications and maybe some injectables and with an IUI.
These past few months have been pretty hard for us. The Holiday Season was bettersweet. We had a fabulous time spending time with our families, but it was our second Christmas since we started trying to have a baby. Our second Christmas dealing with the disappointment of not yet having conceived. All the while many of our close friends were celebrating the birth of their first, and sometimes second, child. Joy fills our hearts for our friends, but it it sometimes overshadowed by our sadness for ourselves. It's a feeling that is nearly impossible to put into words. Joy and sorrow.
We've come to be very sincerely happy for what we do have. And we are giving this one more try. Well, maybe more than one, since we will most likely commit to another three or four cycles. But, this will most likely be our last round of treatments before we consider other options.
We are both very excited, hopeful, and nervous for tomorrow and for what is to come.