"The orders will be at the desk when you check out"

I called my OBGYN and scheduled an appointment to discuss the fact that after nine months of trying to get pregnant, Scott and I were still waiting on our little miracle.
The general rule in my family has always been that if you just look at your hubby, you might wind up pregnant. So what is going on with us? I met with my doctor to see what our next step should be. I brought in my charts and reviewed them again. He said that everything looked good on my end. My cycles were regular, I seemed to be ovulating regularly, and there was nothing to indicate any issues. He suggested that Scott has a semen analysis. I was expecting this suggestion, and had even warned Scott that this test would be prescribed. I asked only a few more questions of my doctor. The last one was "how does this work?"
I fully understand the test, but I wasn't sure where it was done or how we scheduled it. My OB smiled at me and said "The orders will be at the desk when you check out."
Famous last words.

I went to the desk and the nurse handed me one little white slip of paper. It was a prescription order. Written out to me, for a semen analysls. Um, okay. Now what? I asked the nurse what to do. She told me "just call the hospital to schedule it". She seriously said "the hospital". Luckily I knew which hospital to call, since there are about six in a 10 mile radius from my OB's office!

The next day, I called the main number to "the hospital", and asked for the lab. Once connected to the lab, I explained that we needed to schedule a semen analysis for my husband. I was told I needed to be connected to a different lab, which they did for me. Finally, I had the right lab! I explained that I needed to schedule a semen analysis and was told that we could just bring the sample in any time. I replied "Okay, but aren't there guidelines about how the sample should be collected? "
Lab: "Well, didn't your doctor give you an information sheet with the orders?"
Me: "No, I only received a prescription with the order"
Lab: "Oh. Okay. Please hold on and I can get the instruction sheet and read it to you."
I hold.
She comes back a few moments later to say "Okay. The sample should be collected after abstaining...collect it in a sterile sample collection cup...it must arrive at the lab within 45 minutes to one hour....keep it warm by placing it next to your body....some people carry it next to their chest or stomach...you can park in ..." I believe she said the word ejaculation at least ten times within two minutes. But, all I am thinking is: "where do I get a sterile collection cup?" So I ask. She tells me that I can come to the lab and they can give me one, or I can just boil a container to sterilize it. Her exact words were "A baby food jar works really well."
I wanted to scream at her "now if I had a baby food jar just sitting around my house then I most likely wouldn't need a semen analysis for my husband, lady!"