It's been a little while since I've been here, visiting my blog and navigating the world of IF (infertility). The break has been wonderful, both emotionally and financially. It's hard to imagine that just two months ago I was obsessing over every sign and sypmtom, driving to the RE for bloodwork and ultrasounds before work, taking meds, trips to the pharmacy, and all of the other stress that goes along with IF treatments. I have to admit that I am a little overwhelmed at the prospect of starting back with our treatments sometime in the next few months.
I really don't know where the RE will start us or what we will do. I do know that I will need to have another round of bloodwork to check my FSH and AMH and I will be praying that they haven't dropped even lower. If they are both still within the same range of 'slightly diminished' then we will most likely pair Femara with some type of an injectable stimulating drug. But we have to decide if we will take the leap from timed intercourse to IUI (intrautrine insemination).
I also must admit that I was really hoping that we would just get pregnant "naturally" while on our hiatus. So far that doesn't seem to be the Big Man's plan. I was so certain that we would be one of those success stories; the couple who tries for months, which turns into a year, and then we make an appointment to see a specialist and BAM! end up pregnant. But it isn't so. Then I hoped that if we just took a break from trying and stressing that BAM! we'd be pregnant. But again, it just isn't so.
Life is going on around us, and as we wait for our miracle, friends, acquaintances, and family are announcing that their bundles of joy are on the way. The thing is, I am really not sad or upset about it. Which leads me to my RESOLVE meetings. I haven't been to one in two months. During the last meeting I attended I told the story of one of my friends who recently told me she was pregnant. I was at a party a few months ago, and as people were getting ready to leave she said she wanted to talk to me. She pulled me aside and told me that she was pregnant with her second child. My stomach did a flip, then dropped, and then I was happy for her. Really, truly happy. I was trying to explain to the women at the meeting that even though I am not pregnant, I can still be happy people around me who are. But many of them thought my friend was horrible for telling me at this party. That should be hurt, angry, and upset with her. Really?
The thing is; I can be hurt, angry, and upset. Sometimes I feel that way about our circumstances, but rarely do I ever feel that way about someone I know who has just announced her pregnancy.
I left the meeting feeling worse than I did when I arrived. Infertility is a struggle; every day of every week it is a struggle. But I won't let it harden me. I will do my best to remain soft and hopeful.
So, the break continues. I still hope that we might find ourselves pregnant before we are ready to go back to the RE sometime in August or September. But if not, we will start the treatments and continue to pray for our miracle.
