Opening the Door

I've decided it is time to really open up a little and explain some of the craziness I was dealing with which really led to the summer break Scott and I decided to take. In April, after several months of fertility treatments, we still weren't pregnant. Scott and I were relaxing one evening when his friend told him that his wife's TB skin-test she had to take for her new job came back positive. Immediately my heart started beating rapidly, I got hot and flushed, and was convinced that I had TB. We had just spent an entire weekend with our friends at their cottage. I had slept in the same house as her.
Within thirty seconds of hearing this, I was not concerned about her health, about what it could mean for her starting her career as a nurse, nor was I concerned at all about the health of her family. I was only concerned with the possibility (in my head and not in reality) that I had contracted TB which would result in being completely infertile. I mean, Mrs. E had TB which settled in her fallopian tubes causing scaring, and leading to her inability to conceive.
Surely the same thing happened to me the weekend I stayed at my friend's cottage.
I called my mom. I called my mother-in-law (a nurse) and I called my grandmother (also a nurse). Everyone told me that a positive skin test only meant that my friend had been exposed to TB, not that she had an active case. And that you can't contract TB unless someone has an active case. But I couldn't and wouldn't take the chance. The next morning at work, I called my RE's office. The nurse explained the same thing but told me that I should call my general practitioner and schedule a skin test just to be sure. So I called my doctor, but they couldn't get me in for a week. Surely by then there would be no chance that I cold be treated, only ensuring the fact that this was the fertility kiss-of-death.
So I did what any other TTC-obsessed woman would do. I called the health department to schedule a test. I left work at lunch to drive the 30 minutes to the county Health Department to have the skin test administered. I left work two hours early two days later to drive back to the county Health Department to have the test read. I cried every night.
The test came back negative. Which now I realize, of course it would. My friend had additional tests which showed that she was probably exposed to TB at some time over the past few years, and of course she did not have an active case.

That was when I realized I had completely lost it.

The treatments, the medications, the hormones, driving to the RE's office multiple times a cycle for blood work and monitoring, it was all way too much for me. This wasn't how I had pictured starting a family. And this definitely wasn't me. It was then and there that I decided I needed a break. I needed to find my sanity again, or at least some semblance of my former sanity.
The thing is, once you've been here and been through this, there is no turning back.
It has been over two years now that Scott and I have been trying to get pregnant. It has been ten months since we first started fertility treatments.
I am still not pregnant.

But, I am in a much better emotional state than I was just a few months ago. I think the break was just what I needed to let myself regroup and calm down from the hysteria that surrounded my treatments and my life at that time.

I also think that this experience, and this post, has allowed me to open the door a little to what I have been feeling and experiencing. Thus far, I have been very cautious with my posts; with what I write and what I share. But the truth is that dealing with infertility is not easy, and it is not always (or ever) pleasant. So, I think that in my future posts I may be more open and honest with what is going on and with what I am feeling.

Summer Break, continued

It's been a little while since I've been here, visiting my blog and navigating the world of IF (infertility). The break has been wonderful, both emotionally and financially. It's hard to imagine that just two months ago I was obsessing over every sign and sypmtom, driving to the RE for bloodwork and ultrasounds before work, taking meds, trips to the pharmacy, and all of the other stress that goes along with IF treatments. I have to admit that I am a little overwhelmed at the prospect of starting back with our treatments sometime in the next few months.
I really don't know where the RE will start us or what we will do. I do know that I will need to have another round of bloodwork to check my FSH and AMH and I will be praying that they haven't dropped even lower. If they are both still within the same range of 'slightly diminished' then we will most likely pair Femara with some type of an injectable stimulating drug. But we have to decide if we will take the leap from timed intercourse to IUI (intrautrine insemination).

I also must admit that I was really hoping that we would just get pregnant "naturally" while on our hiatus. So far that doesn't seem to be the Big Man's plan. I was so certain that we would be one of those success stories; the couple who tries for months, which turns into a year, and then we make an appointment to see a specialist and BAM! end up pregnant. But it isn't so. Then I hoped that if we just took a break from trying and stressing that BAM! we'd be pregnant. But again, it just isn't so.

Life is going on around us, and as we wait for our miracle, friends, acquaintances, and family are announcing that their bundles of joy are on the way. The thing is, I am really not sad or upset about it. Which leads me to my RESOLVE meetings. I haven't been to one in two months. During the last meeting I attended I told the story of one of my friends who recently told me she was pregnant. I was at a party a few months ago, and as people were getting ready to leave she said she wanted to talk to me. She pulled me aside and told me that she was pregnant with her second child. My stomach did a flip, then dropped, and then I was happy for her. Really, truly happy. I was trying to explain to the women at the meeting that even though I am not pregnant, I can still be happy people around me who are. But many of them thought my friend was horrible for telling me at this party. That should be hurt, angry, and upset with her. Really?
The thing is; I can be hurt, angry, and upset. Sometimes I feel that way about our circumstances, but rarely do I ever feel that way about someone I know who has just announced her pregnancy.
I left the meeting feeling worse than I did when I arrived. Infertility is a struggle; every day of every week it is a struggle. But I won't let it harden me. I will do my best to remain soft and hopeful.
So, the break continues. I still hope that we might find ourselves pregnant before we are ready to go back to the RE sometime in August or September. But if not, we will start the treatments and continue to pray for our miracle.

Checking In

Just a little post to check in. This break has been amazing for Scott and me so far. It has been great to be away from the charting, appointments, monitoring and medications. My body is adjusting back to life without meds and I think that my sanity is finally beginning to return to me!
I've been focusing on work, working out, and enjoying what I do have. Scott and I have planned some great camping trips for the summer, and I am thrilled that I can enjoy a beer or a glass of wine without worrying what cycle day it is and whether or not I should be imbibing.
We are looking forward to spending the Fourth of July weekend with friends and family.

Summer Break

Well, Aunt Flow arrived again. I am feeling okay about it and Scott and I are ready for a real break. We are taking the entire summer off. Our original plan was to do 3-4 cycles with Femara and Ovidrel, the meet again with our RE and move on to injectables and IUI. We just finished our third cycle of the Femara. We talked and both decided that we could use some time off. So, we will wait a few months before we meet with our doctor and discuss our next plan of attack.
I will still blog, so please keep checking in. We have a lot to figure out over the summer.

Second Opinion, Support, and General Updates

Lately I have been second-guessing the approach my current RE is taking with our treatments. Since my diagnosis of DOR we have been doing medicated cycles with Femara and a trigger shot. We are in our third cycle and only have one more round to go before we regroup and discuss other options.
In my slightly obsessive research I discovered that most women with DOR go through more aggressive treatments. After our first cycle on Femara, I called my doctor and asked if we should move on to something more aggressive, like injectable meds and IUI (aka artificial insemination). She wanted me to stick with the Femara treatments for a few more months first and that she has had a lot of success using it to treat unexplained infertility.
But, I don't have unexplained infertility. I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve, remember?!?!
This brings me to last week. I received an email from a RESOLVE partner which led me to investigate other clinics in the area. I made an inquiry and the actual doctor from the clinic called me! I missed his first call and he left me a voicemail. I was very impressed. We played phone tag for a few days but I was finally able to speak with him. We spoke for about twenty minutes and I gave him the run-down on my numbers (FSH, AMH, AFC, SA) He said that he would take the same approach by starting with a few cycles on Femara and then regrouping to discuss our options with injectable meds and IUI. He did say that given my slightly elevated FSH (he said slightly! Maybe my numbers aren't as bad as I feared) that if we moved to the injectables he would take a more aggressive approach. He also said that with my age, he is not as concerned with the elevated FSH and has had great success in treating cases like mine.
I did some more research on their clinic and found that they have been very successful. The only downfall is that the clinic is about an hour from my house. We will need to seriously consider this issue as we decide how to proceed.
This conversation made me feel so much better and renewed my faith in my RE and our current plan.

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I may have mentioned to some of you that I found a support group. Resolve had been a great resource for me lately and I found that they offer real-life peer led support groups. I went to my first meeting just about a month ago. There were about thirty people there; some couples but mostly women there without their husband or partner. Being surrounded and supported by others feeling the same things I am, going through similar struggles, was really rather wonderful. While at the meeting I found out that there is a second group that meets during the month as well. Some of the women and couples go to both meetings. I decided to go to the second meeting. Each group meets once a month, and the meetings are two weeks apart. So, I am now going to both meetings and it has been a very good thing for me. Scott isn't quite ready to go yet, but he is incredibly supportive and glad that I am enjoying them. This seems to be the popular theme with most of the women who attend, the husbands like to stay home. Which really is fine with me. We all deal with this differently and do what works for us.

Fingers Crossed

I went in to the RE's office this morning for my mid-cycle bloodwork and ultrasound. This cycle I went in two days earlier than what we normally schedule. This is because the Femara seems to make me ovulate sooner than I do on a non-medicated cycle. The last two cycles I took Femara I had to call the doctor the day before I was scheduled for monitoring. I was already getting a positive OPK and because of this I had to rush to the office to do my bloodwork and ultrasound a day ahead of time. We decided to be proactive this time and start the monitoring a little early.

At the office there are two ultrasound technicians. For my first cycle of monitoring, I had the "good" tech. She talked me through the entire ultrasound, telling me how many follicles she saw andthe size of each follicle. She was great. The next two times I had the "other" tech. She was all business. She didn't chat, didn't tell me what she saw, and I had to wait until the nurse called me later that afternoon before I knew if I had any follicles at all.
This morning I had the good tech again! She talked me through the entire ultrasound, told me that there was a 21mm follicle in my right ovary, along with three other small ones. The three other follicles won't mature and release an egg. My left ovary also had three small follicles which won't release eggs. This may not sound like the greatest news, but I think it is fabulous! This means that I do have a good number of eggs left. This means that my diagnosis of DOR isn't all that horrible. This means that if the Femara doesn't work then I have a really great chance with Bravelle or other injectables.
The good tech also gave me an ultrasound picture of my one fabulous follicle. I took the photo with me and tucked in into my purse.

The nurse called me this afternoon and confirmed what the good tech told me. I have one fabulous follicle in my right ovary and a handful of smaller follicles that aren't large enough to release eggs. My E2 was 97, which seem a little low, but it is earlier than when I usually have the blood draw so I am not concerned. She didn't give me my actual LH level but just said it was still low and that is good. I took an OPK (ovulation test) tonight and it is still negative. So, now I take the Ovidrel shot tomorrow morning and the waiting game begins. Here's to hoping that this cycle works!

Amaze-balls!

National Infertility Week ended May 1st. I ran across this video on many, many websites over the week and wanted to post it here. A project was started on one of the infertility blogs, I think it was on Stirrup Queens, and it was called "What IF". In the online communinity IF stands for infertility. The "What IF" project allowed those struggling with IF to all post a "What IF" comment on the board. It could be a fear, a hope, anything you wanted. The project receive a lot of attention, and one woman made a video of her "What IFs". It really touched me, and I wanted to share it.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Another One Bites the Dust

Well, just as I suspected this cycle was a bust. Aunt Flow made her appearance this afternoon, exactly on schedule, just like she has for the past 25 cycles. Is this really happening to me, to us? I don't even close my office door any longer when I call the RE, speaking clearly into the voicemail saying:
"This is Corinne. My medical record number is 12345678. I am calling to report the outcome of this cycle. I started my period this afternoon. I will be staring my next round of Femara on cycle day three and I need to make my appointment for my cycle day twelve bloodwork and monitoring. Please call me back, you may leave a message if I don't answer."
Then I hang up and dial the online Fertility Pharmacy and order my Ovidrel. "This is Corinne calling to refill my prescription for Ovidrel." With my door still open, I hang up and call my local pharmacy to refill my Femara, and I cross my fingers when I pick it up that my insurance is still allowing the co-pay and that I don't have to pay the out-of-pocket cost because after all, I am using it for a fertility treatment, which is not supposed to be covered by my insuranse.
The Ovidrel is shipped to me at work in a huge refrigerated Federal Express overnight box. When our warehouse manager delivers it to my office the morning it arrives, I will have to immediately take it out of the package and put it in the refrigerator in our break room. I hope no one is pilfering the fridge later that day, looking for a sweet treat to steal, peeking into my goodie-bag only to find a prescription box with my name on it, containing a syringe filled with my next month of hope.
I am not really sure what I feel tonight. I am a little sad and a lot empty. Is that even possible; to feel a lot empty? I am really beginning to wonder if this is going to work. The more I read about Diminished Ovarian Reserve, the more afraid I become. Reading blogs and other women's experiences telling me to run, do not walk, do not pass go, but run like the wind to the nearest RE and inquire about IVF. Like yesterday.
With each passing cycle, I am afraid that I am coming closer and closer to never being a mother. What if this never happens for us? What if I am only able to watch other people's children grow up? What if it's only Scott and me? I don't think I can handle that possibility.
I've listened to all sorts of advice. Take a break, take this vitamin, take a deep breath, take some time to relax, take some royal bee jelly, take some wheatgrass. Okay, well, I don't know what to say to those things. My whole body aches to see those two pink lines.
So, do I take the Femara or do I take a break? What if I break? I just don't know if I can take any of this anymore.

Just a Little Update

I haven't posted in a while and I thought I would try to recap the past month or so. I was seriously looking into starting acupuncture, I even scheduled an appointment for an initial consult and acupuncture session. I was inspired by the book The Infertility Cure. It discusses Traditional Chinese Medicine as a treatment plan for infertility, which uses acupuncture and Chinese herbs.
The week before the appointment, I got cold feet and canceled the appointment. While it was with a certified TCM practitioner, the practice was through the Oncology Department at a local hospital. I felt that if I was going to see at TCM practitioner, I really want to see someone who specialized in women's health and infertility.

Scott and I also took an entire cycle off. It was freeing for the first two weeks or so, but then I was feeling a little sad that we missed our window for that month. It made me realize that while there can be enormous amount of stress during a cycle, I am willing to endure it for the hopes of a successful cycle. I waited impatiently for my period to start, and when it did, I called the RE's office to let them know that Scott and I were ready to start another medicated cycle.
I filled my prescription for the Femara, and ordered my Ovidrel from the online pharmacy we've been using. It saves us nearly $70 each month. I also scheduled my mid-cycle monitoring for Tuesday the 13th, which consists of blood work and an ultrasound. Monday I took an ovulation test, and it was positive. Well, it really shouldn't be positive until Tuesday or Wednesday, so I called the RE's office when they opened at 9;00. I didn't know if I should wait and go in for my scheduled monitoring the next morning, or if I needed to go in that same day. The nurse called me back at 10:00, asking if I could come down now for my bloodwork and ultrasound. I was hesitant to have to leave work, but after talking to my boss, she said to go ahead and go. I didn't share all of the details with her, but she does know we are going through some type of fertility treatments.
I went to the office for the monitoring, then went back to work; two hours later. Ugh. The nurse called back that afternoon to tell me that I had two mature follicles, one at 25 mm and one at 17 mm. My E2 was 486, so everything looked good. I was told to take my trigger shot that night. For those of you who are not familiar with a trigger shot, it is used to release the mature eggs that my body is producing for better timing. I got home from work, took the trigger shot, ate dinner, and then I got a migraine. Those of you who know about my migraines know that once I get one, I am relegated to the dark and quiet until it passes, which is usually about six hours. Needless to say, there was no baby-making going on that night. Which means that I probably lost another cycle, and any hope for having a 2010 baby.

I was and am pretty upset about it. But, it is not anything I can control. It is frustrating to think that we paid all of that money for the monitoring and medications and then missed our window for this month.

The good news is that I finally decided to go to a peer-led support group hosted by Resolve. They meet once a month, and this month they also had a guest speaker who is certified in Traditional Chinese Medicine. The speaker was interesting, and the group was amazing. It felt good to be surrounded by other women and men who know what this journey is like, who have been there and struggled too. I met a few women, got some email addresses and phone numbers, and will definitely go to the next meeting. It's a 40 minute drive on a Friday night, but it was so worth it.

Taking a Break

Just a short little post to update those of you who are following our Blog. My first cycle on Femara and Ovidrel, which was our 23rd cycle trying to get pregnant, ended this afternoon when I started my period. Scott and I have decided that we are going to take a break for a cycle or two. I need a little break from the charting, monitoring, doctors appointments, and generally the stress. Scott is being wonderfully supportive and agrees that a little break could be good for us.
We will resume the treatments and trying sometime in April or May.

So, How Are You Doing?

This is a question I hear quite frequently from family and friends. When I hear it, I am reminded that others are thinking of Scott and me during this journey. I know that the question comes from curiosity and wonder and care for us. What I don't know is how to answer the question. I usually tell people that things are going well, briefly explain where we are in our process, mention a medication or two that I am taking, and then say how I am really hopeful that this is the month for us.
What I don't say is how hard this really is. How I never in a million years thought that after nearly two years Scott and I would be here as only the two of us. That at times, the grief is nearly unbearable. During this process I have been excited, hopeful, afraid, terrified, angry, hopeless, fearful, jealous, tired, crazy, numb, relieved and disappointed. And thanks to some of the medications, I can feel all of these feelings over the course of one day!

Sometimes I wish I could post a list of the questions and comments that are acceptable to ask me along this journey. The problem is that what is acceptable one day, might set me off the next.

I guess as an outsider, someone who has never struggled with this, some can't quite grasp the daily reminders that I have had to learn to deal with. The friendly co-worker who asks me, as I am leaving work early to see my RE (fertility specialist) for yet another round of blood work, if I am going to the doctor for bloodwork to confirm I'm pregnant, when I never even mentioned the word bloodwork in the first place. I want to say "No, I'm going because after nearly two years I can't get pregnant and we're trying to figure out if I ever can." Or, "No, I am going see my doctor so she can tell me that I have few eggs left, and my chances of ever getting pregnant without serious intervention fall somewhere between slim and none." Or the co-worker I pass on my third trip to the bathroom in the past two hours because I have a case of the stomach flu starting, and they say "Don't worry kiddo, it will get better." I want to respond "It's not morning sickness you asshole, I have diarrhea". And then I realize I need to put my own feelings in check. That people may just be curious and hopeful. They may or may not realize that so much time has passed and I am still not pregnant. (All of these things have actually happened to me!)

I wish there were magic words to say, a finite list of acceptable questions and responses I could provide to family and friends so that people aren't afraid to ask me how I am doing or what is going on. I wish there was a sign I could wear that says "Please don't assume". But, I guess the best I can do is to tell you that it is okay to ask me what is going on and how we are doing. I really don't mind talking about it. My responses might not always be short or pleasant, but it is good for me to share some of what is going on.

RESOLVE Article

When I received my diagnosis of DOR, my doctor handed me a pamphlet about an organization called RESOLVE. It is a national infertility orginaztion providing support and resources to those of us struggling with infertility. It was quite a blow when she handed me the information. I couldn't believe that I was actually diagnosed with infertility let alone that she thought I needed support. It took some time, but eventually I perused the website, reading some articles and finding many useful resources. Today I found an article I wanted to share.
I found that most of the points were really great, and that a few didn't really apply to me and what I am feeling. I realize that when people ask questions or offer advice, they are doing so out of support and curiosity. The intent of this post is to let others know some of the feelings we may have when these questions or advice are offered. I hope that the article will help some to understand some of our struggles and feelings. I also hope it doesn't deter anyone from offering advice or asking questions.
I have felt pretty accepting of my diagnosis lately. And after reading the article, I realize that I am indeed going through the grieving process. I am finally at the point where I have accepted the diagnosis and we are ready to tackle it with whatever we can emotionally and financially endure.
There was a point where I was incredibly angry, and unfortunately that fell right over the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas were extremely difficult for me, and for Scott as well. But I think we are in a better place now. I can talk with others about what is going on and share our diagnosis and treatment plans. I can answer questions without tearing up or becoming angry. And I hopeful that very soon I will be able to share good news and joy with our family and friends.
The article really affected me because I was able to see that much of what I am feeling is normal! Finally, I am normal. The blog has helped me to express what we are going through and for me to work through my feelings. I am glad that I finally decided to share it with friends and family, and I hope it helps you to learn as much as you are comfortable with about our diagnosis and treatment.
I will continue to keep the updates as "PG-Rated" as possible, and spare the public from the more personal details.

Trigger Happy

I was scheduled for my first ultrasound for Wednesday, February 17th to measure my follicle development with the Femara this cycle. Over the weekend I started to see and feel some pretty prominent fertile signs. On Monday morning I called the RE's office to see if we could change my appointment to either that afternoon or Tuesday morning. We decided to schedule it for Tuesday.
I went in this morning and completely forgot I would have to have bloodwork too to check my FSH and E2. The nurse did the blood draw and then the ultrasound tech did the ultrasound. It was pretty quick. The nurse called back this afternoon to say that it was a good thing I changed my appointment because it is time to trigger! I had two mature follicles (eggs) in my left ovary, one at 24mm and one at 21mm. My LH was 10.2 and my Estradoil was 323, which the nurse said was great! I took the Ovidrel shot this evening when I got home from work. I was pretty nervous because I was afraid it would hurt. I did it all by myself and it was completely painless! Now the waiting begins!

I also went home this weekend for the baptisms of my two nieces. It was a very nice service. I talked to my mom a little bit, and she told me that she saw on the news that there was a recent study showing that as early as age 30, many women have only 10-14% of their ovarian reserve remaining. She said the report noted that for these women, it just takes longer to achieve a pregnancy than it does for women in their 20's. I am hoping she is right! And it was nice to know that she is thinking of Scott and me through all of this.

AFC Results

I had my ultrasound today to get my antral follicle count. It is an ultrasound where they look at your ovaries early in your cycle, usually around day 3 or 4, to measure how many follicles you have developing. Most of the information I have correlates the AFC to IFV(In-Vitro Fertilization) success rates, and since I am not doing IVF, it is a little difficult to determine what it all means for me. But, from what I can tell, a good AFC count is somewhere between 15-30. If you have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) like I do, then your count is lower. A count over 30 typically indicated PCOS (Polycystic-Ovarian Syndrome). My count this morning was nine plus one cyst.
I'll take nine! It's not fabulous, but it could be much worse. So, I have nine little follicles ready to mature into one (or two) great eggs to be fertilized!
I am not sure about the cyst. From what I've read, a cyst is fairly common when taking clomid or other ovary stimulating meds. I thought the nurse from my RE's office might call this afternoon to go over the results, but she didn't. So I will call in the morning to see what they say about the cyst.
Now, I just continue with the Femara for the next three days, and I go back for another ultrasound on February 17th to measure follicle/egg growth. If the egg(s) is (are) about ready, then I will take Ovidrel (a trigger shot) to trigger ovulation so that we can better time baby-makin'!

The Last Piece of the Puzzle

Tomorrow I go back to the RE for my antral follicle count. It is the last bit of testing to really know what my diagnosis of DOR means for me.
My RE will take my FSH* (11) my AMH* (0.8) and my AFC* (let's hope for 10! That's a big number, but I am hoping for the best case scenario.) Those numbers together should indicate how I will respond to the Femara and determine if we should move on to injectables like Bravelle.
This cycle I am taking Femara on cycle days 3-7, then go in on CD12 for an ultrasound to check how my egg(s) are developing. When they are nice and mature, I will then take a trigger shot, Ovidrel, to trigger ovulation.
Femara is actually not a fertility drug. It is a drug used in the treatment of breast cancer in menopausal women. I don't know much about the research that lead to the more widespread usage of Famara in treating fertility, but from what I understand, it helps to increase and/or improve egg maturation and egg quality when taken on cycle days 3-7.
Since my diagnosis I have been taking wheatgrass every morning and red raspberry leaf tea each day from the start of my cycle until ovulation.
I will post tomorrow with my results!

*most of the information I have been able to find regarding the DOR diagnosis is based on IVF cycles.

Determined

I have decided that I am determined to learn as much as I can about my diagnosis. I am going to do everything I can to ensure that we are getting the best possible protocols. During some of my research I found two books which I really wanted to read. I went to Border's on my lunch hour and picked up Inconceivable and The Infertility Cure.
Inconceivable is the story of a woman who at 42 decides with her husband to try for baby #2. After months of struggling, she sees a Reproductive Endocrinologist only to discover her FSH level is also 42. Instead of going the route of fertility treatments, she decides to pursue Chinese Medicine, organic foods, yoga, and she actually conceives!
The Infertility Cure is a book about using Chinese Medicine to treat infertility. It discusses accupuncture and Chinese Herbs.
During our journey to conceive, I have also discovered the online community BabyCenter. I have become addicted to this site. It has been a wonderful source of support for me, and I usually have my laptop opened each night and I am logged on to my little community. After the first of the year, I declared to my husband that I was taking a break from what he so lovingly refers to "Am I Pregnant Yet dot com". I think it's cute, the little names he used for my obsession. But I realized it had become a bit of an obsession and thought that maybe I needed a little break.
I couldn't totally remove myself from researching and learning more about my condition and treatment plans, so I dove into my new books. I had the books for about two or three days when Scott made a comment. He said "I thought you were going to take a break from that stuff."
I didn't see the books as being in the same category as BabyCenter. Think of BabyCenter as the FaceBook for those trying to conceive. I thought I would expand my mind and horizons to something more intelligent. With tears welling in my eyes, I explained this to Scott. I told him that with my diagnosis of Diminished Ovarian Reserve, I wanted to learn as much as I could. That one of the books was an amazing and miraculous success story of a woman with severe DOR who conceived without fertility medications, and the other book would help me to learn some of the things I could do to improve our chances.
After I explained this to my husband, he understood completely. He said that if it was him with the infertility diagnosis, he would most likely be doing the same thing.

Wheat Grass

Apparently, if you take some wheat grass and juice it, it's the new cure-all for anything that ails you! Including shitty eggs. So, I am giving it a try. I won't actually be juicing my own grass (um, does that sound dirty to anyone else?!) I've found a great and delicious way to get my daily wheatgrass treatment. It is in the form of a delicious green juice found at Trader Joe's. The only problem is that it's not enough, and the nearest juice bar that has freshly-juiced wheatgrass is in Royal Oak. I can't be driving there every day. So I found some wheatgrass powder which claims you can mix it with your favorite juice, or even mix it in a smoothie. Okay. Not so much, unless you like mixing fresh cut and pulverized grass clippings with your yogurt and berries.
I have found that if I mix it with some orange juice, shake it really well, hold my nose and chug, it's not really all that bad.
Here is some more information on the benefits of wheatgrass.

AMH

I called the RE to ask about my elevated FSH levels and to see if we should proceed with additional testing. Once I realized that my FHS was elevated, I started to do some research. It seems that the elevated FSH indicates that my body has to work a little harder each cycle to produce and mature my eggs. To summarize how FSH works, it is created in the pituitary gland and signals the ovaries to mature an egg. When the ovaries aren't maturing the egg well enough, the brain realizes this and tells the pituitary gland to produce more FSH. So, the higher your FSH level, the harder your body is working for your egg. More information

After talking with the nurse, she called me back to schedule the test. It is a simple blood draw and was done at the beginning of my cycle. I arrived at the office, and the nurse started with her first attempt to draw my blood. During college I always donated blood for the Red Cross. When a nurse first preps me to draw my blood, she usually comments on my small veins. I've never had a problem before. When my nurse, Chris, prepped me she made the comment like many others before her have made, "My, what small veins you have." I shrugged it off and said, "that's what everyone says, but once they get in there, it's fine." Well, she stuck me twice, shifted the needle trying to find my vein, and nothing came. The office has a two-poke rule. The nurse can poke you twice, and if she can't find your vein, she has to get another nurse. So, in comes another nurse who also pokes me twice and wiggles and moves the needle around and still can't find a vein. I now have two pokes in each arm, and no blood. Finally she says she is going to try my hand. She pokes my hand and thank God!, she hits the vein.
We are chatting as the vial slowly fills, she tells me that she will be sending my blood to California to be tested. Apparently there aren't many labs that perform this test. And, I have to wait THREE WEEKS for the results. Three weeks means that I won't get my result until after Christmas. So, I have to wait through the holidays to find out what is going on. I was a little miffed, but there really wasn't much I could do about it.

Scott and I were pretty nervous over Christmas. But we did our best to try to enjoy ourselves during our trip. When we got back, I called the office on Tuesday, January 6th to see if my results were in. They were in and my AMH is 0.8. This is not good. Normal results should be between 1-3, but close to 2.0. A low AMH level seems to confirm my fears which is that I may have diminished ovarian reserve.

Aunt Flow Comes Again

About two weeks after the HSG test, and just on schedule, I started my period. I thought, "What the Hell?" Okay, so that is the censored version. It was a little more like "$*%^#&%@&!!!!!" I called the RE and said, "What's next?"
She said we could start clomid. I was so excited. Until I got hot flashes, night sweats, extreme irritibility, cramping, bloating, and oh, did I mention extreme irratibility?! I could have comitted murder while on this drug. I took it for two cycles.
Somewhere in there, I received my actual test results in the mail. I was reading them and everything looked good. Then I got to my FSH level. It said 11.o Normal range <10. Wait, that's not normal. Oh well, the RE would have said something, right? She or the nurse would have called to tell me that one of my hormone levels was a little high, calm my fears, and tell me not to worry. But the doctor never called. So I wondered about it and decided that at my next appointment I would ask about it.
My next appointment was just around the corner, about three weeks away. After I started the clomid, the RE likes you to come in for what they so calmly call a clomid check. It's a quick little exam to make sure that the clomid isn't overstimulating your ovaries. The exam went well, but the nurse practitioner the said "Oh, I see your FSH is slightly elevated." I was so glad she said something because I thought I was crazy thinking that it was off. But at that point I didn't do anything about it. Yeah, it is a little elevated but I just kept thinking that if the RE thought it indicated some type of an issue or problem, she would contact me.

HSG

The morning of my HSG test I was a little nervous. I heard that some women experienced some mild discomfort while others felt quite a lot of pain. It hurt more than I thought it would, and I was so relieved when it was over. I got to watch the entire procedure on a screen. I could see the shape of my uterus and my fallopian tubes. It was pretty cool. The nurse practitioner told me everything was clear.
I was also excited because there is supporting evidence that there is an increased pregnancy rate in the three months following the HSG test.

Taking the Leap

Okay, so now it has been over a year that we've been trying to start our family. After months or praying and waiting, and waiting some more, we decided to call for reinforcements. Scott and I decided to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist, or in layman's terms, a fertility specialist. I did some research and we decided on to go to HFCRH. I called and made an appointment. We were scheduled four our fist consultation on October 23, 2009. We would be meeting with Dr. X. The clinic told us that we should schedule a semen analysis prior to the visit. Since we had the prescription in hand, I was hoping that this would be the kick Scott needed to go and get it done! Well, he decided to wait and finally scheduled it for the morning of our first appointment.
We met with the doctor and cried tears of joy when she told us that Scott has super swimmers! Male factor infertility issues can be very difficult to treat, so we were so happy that this was not an issue for us. Our RE reviewed my charts, thank goodness for fertilitfriend.com. I had an entire year's worth of charts to proudly show our doctor! Beautiful charts, with clear thermal shifts showing I ovulate like a champ every cycle!
The RE reviewed my charts and confirmed that they looked good. She scheduled some baseline blood work tests to measure my hormone levels. Just a formality, right. I mean, now that we know we don't have any male factor issues, and everyone in my family gets pregnant just thinking about it, this good news could be the stress reliever we needed to kick things into gear.
I had blood drawn, and they tested my Estradoil, Thyroid, FSH and a few others I can't remember. The next day the nurse called me to tell me that my results were good and my hormone levels were within the normal range. We then scheduled and HSG for October 30th.

"The orders will be at the desk when you check out"

I called my OBGYN and scheduled an appointment to discuss the fact that after nine months of trying to get pregnant, Scott and I were still waiting on our little miracle.
The general rule in my family has always been that if you just look at your hubby, you might wind up pregnant. So what is going on with us? I met with my doctor to see what our next step should be. I brought in my charts and reviewed them again. He said that everything looked good on my end. My cycles were regular, I seemed to be ovulating regularly, and there was nothing to indicate any issues. He suggested that Scott has a semen analysis. I was expecting this suggestion, and had even warned Scott that this test would be prescribed. I asked only a few more questions of my doctor. The last one was "how does this work?"
I fully understand the test, but I wasn't sure where it was done or how we scheduled it. My OB smiled at me and said "The orders will be at the desk when you check out."
Famous last words.

I went to the desk and the nurse handed me one little white slip of paper. It was a prescription order. Written out to me, for a semen analysls. Um, okay. Now what? I asked the nurse what to do. She told me "just call the hospital to schedule it". She seriously said "the hospital". Luckily I knew which hospital to call, since there are about six in a 10 mile radius from my OB's office!

The next day, I called the main number to "the hospital", and asked for the lab. Once connected to the lab, I explained that we needed to schedule a semen analysis for my husband. I was told I needed to be connected to a different lab, which they did for me. Finally, I had the right lab! I explained that I needed to schedule a semen analysis and was told that we could just bring the sample in any time. I replied "Okay, but aren't there guidelines about how the sample should be collected? "
Lab: "Well, didn't your doctor give you an information sheet with the orders?"
Me: "No, I only received a prescription with the order"
Lab: "Oh. Okay. Please hold on and I can get the instruction sheet and read it to you."
I hold.
She comes back a few moments later to say "Okay. The sample should be collected after abstaining...collect it in a sterile sample collection cup...it must arrive at the lab within 45 minutes to one hour....keep it warm by placing it next to your body....some people carry it next to their chest or stomach...you can park in ..." I believe she said the word ejaculation at least ten times within two minutes. But, all I am thinking is: "where do I get a sterile collection cup?" So I ask. She tells me that I can come to the lab and they can give me one, or I can just boil a container to sterilize it. Her exact words were "A baby food jar works really well."
I wanted to scream at her "now if I had a baby food jar just sitting around my house then I most likely wouldn't need a semen analysis for my husband, lady!"

Let the fun begin!

The excitement Scott and I felt for our a marriage and starting a family was amazing. We couldn't wait to have a baby. We tried to take a somewhat laid back approach, and didn't want this "tying" to take over our daily lives.
So we tried and waited. For three months, then six months. At nine months I started to get a little nervous. During my yearly check-up I talked to my OBGYN. We reviewed my charts and discussed my cycles. Everything looked great. He said to "keep trying", but if we wanted to start testing for any fertility issues, just call, and he would see us. I was so pleased because many doctors what you to "try" for a whole year before you start testing.
We gave it another month or two and then I called for reinforcements. The first thing my OBGYN ordered was a semen analysis for my husband.

Honeymoon Baby

Scott and I decided we wanted to start a family right away. We may have even told friends and family that we were going to have a honeymoon baby. I thought it was cute. Everything else had been so easy, so we figured this would be easy too.

Our Wedding

Scott and I were married on June 14, 2008. I love everything about our wedding. We were married at the church where Scott grew up, St. Anastasia. Our wedding reception was at Indianwood Golf and Country Club. We planned for over a year, and it was exciting, stressful and the beginning of our life together and our journey toward parenthood.

In the Beginning

I met Scott in 2005 and we fell in love almost immediately. Our fist two years together were amazing, and Scott proposed to me on April 2, 2007 while we were visiting his brother in London, England. It was the most romantic proposal, fit for a movie!
Scott and I were in London visiting his brother, Mark. We went with his mom and sister. It was my first trip to Europe and I was so excited. On our third day there Mark planned for this amazing sight seeing tour. We started by taking the tube to Big Ben, and the getting on a riverboat for a cruise through the Thames.

We saw so many amazing things, and ended up in Greenwich for a lunch of fish and chips. Then we went to the park at the Royal Observatory. Scott and I decided to walk up the hill to the observatory. When we got to the top, the view was breathtaking! We could see the whole city. Scott was standing behind me and tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around to see him kneeling on one knee! I can't remember exactly what he said, but I do recall him starting with by saying my entire name, and I said "YES"! I literally cut him off and said yes before he could even ask me to marry him!
I was so happy. We walked down to the hill to be greeted by his family with a bottle of champagne. They were all in on it! I was on cloud nine the rest of the trip. That was April 2, 2007.

Now, I am sitting and reflecting on our past almost two years of trying for a baby. My first "batch" of posts will all be posted on the same day, and I am recalling some of the major events since Scott and I decided to try to get pregnant. Then, beginning at the end of January, the posts will be in "real time". In the beginning, I never thought to start a blog because I never thought it would take so long.