Well, just as I suspected this cycle was a bust. Aunt Flow made her appearance this afternoon, exactly on schedule, just like she has for the past 25 cycles. Is this really happening to me, to us? I don't even close my office door any longer when I call the RE, speaking clearly into the voicemail saying:
"This is Corinne. My medical record number is 12345678. I am calling to report the outcome of this cycle. I started my period this afternoon. I will be staring my next round of Femara on cycle day three and I need to make my appointment for my cycle day twelve bloodwork and monitoring. Please call me back, you may leave a message if I don't answer."
Then I hang up and dial the online Fertility Pharmacy and order my Ovidrel. "This is Corinne calling to refill my prescription for Ovidrel." With my door still open, I hang up and call my local pharmacy to refill my Femara, and I cross my fingers when I pick it up that my insurance is still allowing the co-pay and that I don't have to pay the out-of-pocket cost because after all, I am using it for a fertility treatment, which is not supposed to be covered by my insuranse.
The Ovidrel is shipped to me at work in a huge refrigerated Federal Express overnight box. When our warehouse manager delivers it to my office the morning it arrives, I will have to immediately take it out of the package and put it in the refrigerator in our break room. I hope no one is pilfering the fridge later that day, looking for a sweet treat to steal, peeking into my goodie-bag only to find a prescription box with my name on it, containing a syringe filled with my next month of hope.
I am not really sure what I feel tonight. I am a little sad and a lot empty. Is that even possible; to feel a lot empty? I am really beginning to wonder if this is going to work. The more I read about Diminished Ovarian Reserve, the more afraid I become. Reading blogs and other women's experiences telling me to run, do not walk, do not pass go, but run like the wind to the nearest RE and inquire about IVF. Like yesterday.
With each passing cycle, I am afraid that I am coming closer and closer to never being a mother. What if this never happens for us? What if I am only able to watch other people's children grow up? What if it's only Scott and me? I don't think I can handle that possibility.
I've listened to all sorts of advice. Take a break, take this vitamin, take a deep breath, take some time to relax, take some royal bee jelly, take some wheatgrass. Okay, well, I don't know what to say to those things. My whole body aches to see those two pink lines.
So, do I take the Femara or do I take a break? What if I break? I just don't know if I can take any of this anymore.
Lilypie Maternity tickers
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Just a Little Update
I haven't posted in a while and I thought I would try to recap the past month or so. I was seriously looking into starting acupuncture, I even scheduled an appointment for an initial consult and acupuncture session. I was inspired by the book The Infertility Cure. It discusses Traditional Chinese Medicine as a treatment plan for infertility, which uses acupuncture and Chinese herbs.
The week before the appointment, I got cold feet and canceled the appointment. While it was with a certified TCM practitioner, the practice was through the Oncology Department at a local hospital. I felt that if I was going to see at TCM practitioner, I really want to see someone who specialized in women's health and infertility.
Scott and I also took an entire cycle off. It was freeing for the first two weeks or so, but then I was feeling a little sad that we missed our window for that month. It made me realize that while there can be enormous amount of stress during a cycle, I am willing to endure it for the hopes of a successful cycle. I waited impatiently for my period to start, and when it did, I called the RE's office to let them know that Scott and I were ready to start another medicated cycle.
I filled my prescription for the Femara, and ordered my Ovidrel from the online pharmacy we've been using. It saves us nearly $70 each month. I also scheduled my mid-cycle monitoring for Tuesday the 13th, which consists of blood work and an ultrasound. Monday I took an ovulation test, and it was positive. Well, it really shouldn't be positive until Tuesday or Wednesday, so I called the RE's office when they opened at 9;00. I didn't know if I should wait and go in for my scheduled monitoring the next morning, or if I needed to go in that same day. The nurse called me back at 10:00, asking if I could come down now for my bloodwork and ultrasound. I was hesitant to have to leave work, but after talking to my boss, she said to go ahead and go. I didn't share all of the details with her, but she does know we are going through some type of fertility treatments.
I went to the office for the monitoring, then went back to work; two hours later. Ugh. The nurse called back that afternoon to tell me that I had two mature follicles, one at 25 mm and one at 17 mm. My E2 was 486, so everything looked good. I was told to take my trigger shot that night. For those of you who are not familiar with a trigger shot, it is used to release the mature eggs that my body is producing for better timing. I got home from work, took the trigger shot, ate dinner, and then I got a migraine. Those of you who know about my migraines know that once I get one, I am relegated to the dark and quiet until it passes, which is usually about six hours. Needless to say, there was no baby-making going on that night. Which means that I probably lost another cycle, and any hope for having a 2010 baby.
I was and am pretty upset about it. But, it is not anything I can control. It is frustrating to think that we paid all of that money for the monitoring and medications and then missed our window for this month.
The good news is that I finally decided to go to a peer-led support group hosted by Resolve. They meet once a month, and this month they also had a guest speaker who is certified in Traditional Chinese Medicine. The speaker was interesting, and the group was amazing. It felt good to be surrounded by other women and men who know what this journey is like, who have been there and struggled too. I met a few women, got some email addresses and phone numbers, and will definitely go to the next meeting. It's a 40 minute drive on a Friday night, but it was so worth it.
The week before the appointment, I got cold feet and canceled the appointment. While it was with a certified TCM practitioner, the practice was through the Oncology Department at a local hospital. I felt that if I was going to see at TCM practitioner, I really want to see someone who specialized in women's health and infertility.
Scott and I also took an entire cycle off. It was freeing for the first two weeks or so, but then I was feeling a little sad that we missed our window for that month. It made me realize that while there can be enormous amount of stress during a cycle, I am willing to endure it for the hopes of a successful cycle. I waited impatiently for my period to start, and when it did, I called the RE's office to let them know that Scott and I were ready to start another medicated cycle.
I filled my prescription for the Femara, and ordered my Ovidrel from the online pharmacy we've been using. It saves us nearly $70 each month. I also scheduled my mid-cycle monitoring for Tuesday the 13th, which consists of blood work and an ultrasound. Monday I took an ovulation test, and it was positive. Well, it really shouldn't be positive until Tuesday or Wednesday, so I called the RE's office when they opened at 9;00. I didn't know if I should wait and go in for my scheduled monitoring the next morning, or if I needed to go in that same day. The nurse called me back at 10:00, asking if I could come down now for my bloodwork and ultrasound. I was hesitant to have to leave work, but after talking to my boss, she said to go ahead and go. I didn't share all of the details with her, but she does know we are going through some type of fertility treatments.
I went to the office for the monitoring, then went back to work; two hours later. Ugh. The nurse called back that afternoon to tell me that I had two mature follicles, one at 25 mm and one at 17 mm. My E2 was 486, so everything looked good. I was told to take my trigger shot that night. For those of you who are not familiar with a trigger shot, it is used to release the mature eggs that my body is producing for better timing. I got home from work, took the trigger shot, ate dinner, and then I got a migraine. Those of you who know about my migraines know that once I get one, I am relegated to the dark and quiet until it passes, which is usually about six hours. Needless to say, there was no baby-making going on that night. Which means that I probably lost another cycle, and any hope for having a 2010 baby.
I was and am pretty upset about it. But, it is not anything I can control. It is frustrating to think that we paid all of that money for the monitoring and medications and then missed our window for this month.
The good news is that I finally decided to go to a peer-led support group hosted by Resolve. They meet once a month, and this month they also had a guest speaker who is certified in Traditional Chinese Medicine. The speaker was interesting, and the group was amazing. It felt good to be surrounded by other women and men who know what this journey is like, who have been there and struggled too. I met a few women, got some email addresses and phone numbers, and will definitely go to the next meeting. It's a 40 minute drive on a Friday night, but it was so worth it.
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