Taking a Break, Having a Breakdown

Well, here I am about two weeks into our 'rest cycle' (thanks to some residual follicles/cysts)and I thought I was coping quite well. Until yesterday afternoon. I was having a nice phone conversation with my mother when out of nowhere I started crying. She asked what we were doing on our Easter Sunday and I fully admitted that we had avoided going to Mass because I couldn't face sitting for an hour and a half surrounded by happy, joyous families dressed in their Easter finest: little girls in dresses, bows and hats; little boys in their cute dress pants, vests and ties. I just couldn't do it. It is supposed to be the holiest and most joyous day of the year and I sat home feeling alone, sad, and devastated.
My breakdown didn't last long, but I poured my heart out to my mom, and she was fabulously supportive. But for the first time I really voiced my fears. What if this doesn't happen for us? We have three cycles left in this treatment plan. I don't want to focus on what happens if we don't get pregnant yet part of me feels that I need to prepare for both of the outcomes. These next three cycles change everything for us. We've pretty much realized that we can't afford further treatments. There really isn't any room in our budget to save for IVF or the difficult decision of using donor eggs. We might be able to scrounge up enough to adopt, but I don't know that adoption is really an option for us.
I know that there are many other women out there struggling with this same situation. Wondering where we will be left if this doesn't work. I realize that my thoughts and fears aren't unique to my situation, that unfortunately these questions have been asked my many. But what if this doesn't work? What if I never get pregnant? What if I have to face another holiday without a baby, a child to rear. Can we learn to live child free and be happy, fulfilled, satisfied? Will I always feel this empty? Will holding a beautiful niece, nephew, or child of a friend be enough for me? Will I always avoid holidays, events, parties?

The one thing that struck me the most was the fact that I realized, in the midst of this breakdown, that I don't even know how to talk to my friends any more. It seems like this is consuming me. When someone asks me "What's new?" the first thing that comes to my mind is to tell them where we are with our treatments, Scott's latest experience waiting his turn at the RE to produce his sample. Me driving like a mad-woman to my MIL's house so she can give me my trigger shot.

I know we won't always be here, in this situation. I only hope that in the next three months we will finally be pregnant. Because if we're not I am not sure how I will handle it.

Holding Pattern

I went to the clinic this morning for my blood work and an ultrasound to check everything before we start IUI Cycle #2. Each cycle starts this way, a check of my Estradoil (E2) levels and a good look at my giblets (ovaries and uterus). It's a rather strange little thing to go through. I step into a small dressing room, disrobe from the waist down, wrap a paper blanket around myself and shuffle into the ultrasound room. There is always a sonographer and a study coordinator in the room. I do have to say that I absolutely love the study coordinators. There are three women about my age and they are wonderful; so caring and understanding, willing to answer any questions I have. Two of the girls are runners too, so we've been talking about races this summer and our training schedules. It's nice to connect.
Okay, back to the giblet check. The sonographer performs the ultrasound. During a regular ART cycle, there is usually just the sonographer who will then give the ultrasound results to the RE to interpret. But since I am taking part in a study a coordinator is always present to record all of my results.
The sonographer studies the ultrasound pictures on the screen and calls out the measurements and findings to the coordinator who then records them for the study. As I was lying on the table this morning the sonographer started her measurements, checking my antral follicle count, measuring my lining, ovary size and corpus luteum cysts (the follicle casings remaining from any eggs that were released during my previous cycle.) She counted five antrals on my right side, and two corpus luteum cysts. Then she measured the cysts. One was something, I can't remember the size, and the second on was 47mm.
Oh. Shit.
I knew it right then. In order to avoid overstimulation most RE's worth their salt won't start another medicated cycle if there are any cysts over 30mm. For those of you who don't remember metric conversions from elementary school, I have a nice little almost two inch cyst in my right ovary.
She went on to measure my left, 8 antrals and one corpus luteum cyst plus two more. This corpus luteum one was 49mm! What!?! I have another almost two inch cyst in my left ovary!
A cyst aren't necessarily a bad thing; they actually means I ovulated. And the presence of three cysts means that I released three eggs this past cycle. This is a good thing, meaning that I responded well to the medications and produced some good little eggies.
The presence of the large cysts isn't so uncommon on a medicated cycle. But it does mean that we have to sit this next cycle out and hope that my body recovers and that the cysts reduce in size (which they should). Taking the cycle off should allow time for recovery, and thankfully I don't lose one of my four treatment cycles--the cycle off doesn't count against us.
Scott and I were both disappointed. Really disappointed because the first IUI didn't work and then that we have to wait a month until we can start our second round. I guess I'll just take this next month as time to get healthier, eat well, and get back on my running schedule.

FYAF

Well, this little acronym isn't a happy one. It's for F*** You Aunt Flow. She made her appearance this afternoon, on schedule, just as I've been predicting since around Thursday. So this first IUI was not successful. We are moving on to IUI Cycle #2. I'll go to the clinic tomorrow for my bloodwork and ultrasound to start the cycle, and they'll give me my medications which I will start on Tuesday. This means that IUI #2 will fall around or over Easter weekend.

Wishing and Waiting

Well, here I am, in my TWW, waiting to see if this first IUI was successful. It is still a little too early to be feeling any real symptoms, but of course I am still analyzing every twitch and potential sign.
I had my progesterone tested yesterday. During ART this is typically done around 7-9 days past ovulation to determine if you actually ovulated. A progesterone level over 10 indicates ovulation. Mine was 14. I am now 9 days past the IUI and have 6 days left until I go back to the clinic for a blood test to see if we are pregnant. Although I think I will have a pretty good idea before next Monday morning. According to my usual cycle pattern my period is due Saturday or Sunday. (Aren't you glad I share so much information!?!?) If it hasn't arrived by Monday morning then I think my chances of being pregnant are pretty good. But that's still almost a week away. I am trying to get through the next few days without stressing or obsessing too much. I think it helps to know that if this cycle doesn't work we still have three more chances.

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I talked to my mom and dad a little bit this weekend about the struggles of sharing information with friends and family. The up side to it is that I have so much support from so many wonderful people. The down side is that everyone is expecting updates. I've taken that safety net away; the one where most people wait a few weeks to share their good news and savor it for themselves. The same net that allows for you to digest the heartbreak of another failed cycle for a few days before moving. But since I've share the details with my friends and family, the exact time I took my trigger shot, the date and time of the IUI, the day my period is due, and the date of my pregnancy test at the clinic, I know people will be waiting to hear the results. I am afraid of having to share bad news if this doesn't work.
I told my parents that if they don't hear from my by Monday afternoon then I probably just need a few days to regroup. But if we do have good news on Monday you can be sure that I will be shouting it from the mountaintops. Okay, not the mountaintops, but you definitely will know!


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I do want to say that I appreciate everyone's prayers and support. The text messages, comments, emails and phone calls are wonderful. They really help to know that even though dealing with IF can seem so lonely that I have wonderful, loving family and friends out there supporting me and letting me know that Scott and I are in your thoughts.

Here's to hoping that this is the last month I am updating you about bloodwork, tests, IUIs and everything that goes with our treatments.