Confessions of an Infertile

While going through what we have been through over the past three years I have had times when some pretty crazy thoughts run through my mind. Sometimes they are laughable and sometimes they are sad. I've also said or done some things that are pretty crazy as well. The Catholic in me thinks that if I confess these things, (not in the actual confession booth, but here in the blogosphere) then maybe I can be forgiven. Maybe someone else can say that they have been there with me too. For ICLW week I've decided to share a few. Please feel free to add your own!

Sometimes I have mild panic attacks and play through my head the dreaded possibility that my next get-together with friends may result in one of them announcing a pregnancy. I really hope that by now my close friends and family realize that they are in an "announce at your own risk zone". Maybe I could make a T-shirt for such occasion! I might even make enough money to pay for our next round of treatments. It's not that I won't eventually be happy for this person, but I know I won't be able to predict nor control my initial reaction. So a phone call or a text a day or two ahead of time would be much appreciated.

I've actually POAS within a few days of my HCG trigger shot just to see what a BFP actually looks like, knowing it's just the trigger shot causing the positive test. Hey, I'll take what I can get at this point.

Sometimes I will avoid running in the TWW just because I don't want to bounce my potential bean too much and prevent implantation. Crazy, I know. But I still don't run much in the TWW. Sometimes not at all.

I still drink too much coffee. Two cups a day, and sometimes another half-cup after lunch. I can't seem to completely cut out caffeine from my diet.

When I see a woman with twins, or a former friend or aquaintence on Facebook with twins, I have an overwhelming urge to ask this person the name and number for their RE. I realize that twins actually do occur in nature, in the regular world of pregnancies, and not only with medical intervention. But still, I can't help but wonder.

I actually long for cankles, morning sickness, sleepless nights and swollen body parts.

I am extremely jealous of people who have no idea what a TWW is, what CM is, what POAS means, and IUI, ART, DOR, ICSI, etc., ect.!

When people ask me how things are going with our fertility treatments, I just say "things are going well". I can't bring myself to actually open up any more because I am afraid that if I start talking I won't be able to stop.

I recently had dinner with friends and told two of my girlfriends and one of their husbands that the combination of fertility drugs and supplements has cause me to grow a beard. Now while it isn't an actual beard, I have noticed a few little chin hairs that I NEVER had before. Age? Hormones? Supplements? Who knows. Either way it sucks and I can't believe I actually said this out loud, over a glass of wine before dinner, in front of my friend's husband.

At our last IUI my DH wasn't even there with me and I was actually ok with it. I love him dearly, and he is a wonderful support, but it just didn't work with our schedule. He went to the office first to 'deposit his sample' then came home and went to work. I went back to the office two hours later for the IUI and read some Dracula while waiting out the 30 minutes post-IUI on the table.

I took a picture while lying on the table because DH wasn't there and thought that if this cycle was successful he should at least have a picture of when it happened. It was just a picture of my knees covered with the paper blankie.

Sometimes I don't even shut my office door anymore when I am at work and the RE's office calls with blood work results.

I blame everything on the fertility meds even when I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with the meds. Overate tonight, it's the meds. Face breaking out, it's the meds. Crabby at work or at my husband, tired, happy, insomnia, bloated, it's the meds.

I actually made an Excel chart to determine my estimated HCG levels each day after taking the trigger shot. I did this so that I know when I can start testing and get reliable results.

PUPO!

Just a quick status update. We had our second IUI this morning! Everything went really well and we are very hopeful for this cycle. I responded very well to the meds and the timing for the IUI was fabulous. So, for now, and for the next 12 to 14 days, I am PUPO.
I am hoping the next two weeks go smoothly and I don't obsess too much over every twinge and possible symptom. I will go back to the clinic next Wednesday for blood work to check progesterone. I am keeping my fingers, toes, and anything else I can cross, crossed!

Sorry for the Mess

I am desperately trying to give my blog a facelift, so if you are here and it looks a little messy, I apologize.
Hopefully I will have it all set tonight, but I am a bit of a newbie to blog design.
Wish me luck!

Ready to Trigger

Well, it's that time again. Time for me to take the trigger shot and get ready for our IUI. I went to the clinic this morning for monitoring: blood work and an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed two good follicles in my right ovary. One is 27mm and the other is 24mm. My lining was great at 9.1 and my E2 is 329! I will take the trigger shot tonight between 9:00 and 10:00. Scott and I will then go back to the clinic Wednesday morning for the IUI.
I am a little nervous about the trigger shot because I am pretty certain I will have to give it to myself. My mother-in-law is out of town, and she gave the the shot last cycle. (Remember the story?) Since she is traveling, I could have my sister-in-law do it, but I really don't think I want to make the trip, it's about an hour round-trip from our house to hers and back. So I will muster up the courage to do it myself.

Creighton NaPro, Why am I just now hearing about this?!

My mother-in-law is becoming notorious for stumbling upon things which lead to amazing discoveries. First she found an ad in the local paper looking for subjects for a trial for infertility. This lead to Scott and I applying and then being accepted to the study in which we are currently participating.
Then last week she sent me an email she found in her SPAM box. It was about Catholic Infertility Treatment, which I thought was an oxymoron. I mean, most all ART is frowned upon by the Catholic Church and I have my own reservations and limits when it comes to treatments.
Well, I read the email from D and was incredibly interested. Did you know that there is a Catholic Infertility Treatment Center in Omaha Nebraska? It's called the Pope Paul VI Institute of Human Reproduction. And there are doctors all over the U.S. (although none in Michigan). There are Creighton Model Practitioners in the area and I've signed up for an introductory session in June. Based on what I have read so far the Creighton Model is an Natural Family Planning method that is also used to treat women's reproductive health and pinpoint fertility issues which allows the doctors to actually treat the issue. With traditional ART the doctors typically stimulate ovulation in the hopes of creating multiple eggs each cycle therefore increasing the chances that one of them will fertilize. Creighton doctors are trained in NaPro technology and look at a biomarkers during a woman's cycle, typically fertile and non-fertile fluid, in conjunction with monitoring hormones throughout her cycle in order to identify and treat various issues. The Creighton Model can treat various reproductive issues including infertility, postpartum depression, luteal phase (progesterone) defects, and other issues. Creighton Model doctors are also exceptionally trained in treating endometriosis, which as it turns out is something I will need.
My ultrasounds at our current RE have been showing a steady "cyst" in my left ovary each month. Each month it is the same size, which is not typical. Cysts usually shrink over a month or two. At our first ultrasound Dr. S said that he thought it could be endometriosis on my left ovary and that he would keep an eye on it. After it showed up again on Monday's ultrasound, I called and scheduled an appointment for a consultation. I had the appointment this afternoon and Dr. S is pretty certain it is indeed the dreaded endo. It has remained less than 20mm in size, but is in every single ultrasound we have done over the past three months. Endometriosis can be the fertility kiss-of-death if not treated. He wants me to schedule a laparocsopic surgery to remove the endo on my ovary and look for any other endo that may be present. He wants to wait until we have completed the study before he performs the surgery. However, if we do not get pregnant while in the study I am pretty sure we will move on to a Creighton/NaPro doctor for further treatments.
This is a rather devastating diagnosis, but I have faith that D sent me the email for a reason. We are just taking this one day at a time.

Update - Rest Cycle Completed

I woke up very early Saturday morning with horrible cramps; Aunt Flo made her arrival which means that my rest cycle is over and we are moving on to our second cycle with IUI!
I am starting this cycle feeling a little different than usual, almost a little indifferent. Don't get me wrong, I want this cycle to be successful. I want, more than anything, to be pregnant. But I am approaching this cycle knowing that we have done all we can and that this is really in God's hands.
I drove to the clinic this morning for my baseline blood work and ultrasound. Things looked really good and I had 11 antral follicles. I received my medication and will start taking it today. I'll go back to the clinic early next week for another ultrasound and blood work to check my follicle developmente and we will most likely do the IUI sometime next week.

Taking a Break, Having a Breakdown

Well, here I am about two weeks into our 'rest cycle' (thanks to some residual follicles/cysts)and I thought I was coping quite well. Until yesterday afternoon. I was having a nice phone conversation with my mother when out of nowhere I started crying. She asked what we were doing on our Easter Sunday and I fully admitted that we had avoided going to Mass because I couldn't face sitting for an hour and a half surrounded by happy, joyous families dressed in their Easter finest: little girls in dresses, bows and hats; little boys in their cute dress pants, vests and ties. I just couldn't do it. It is supposed to be the holiest and most joyous day of the year and I sat home feeling alone, sad, and devastated.
My breakdown didn't last long, but I poured my heart out to my mom, and she was fabulously supportive. But for the first time I really voiced my fears. What if this doesn't happen for us? We have three cycles left in this treatment plan. I don't want to focus on what happens if we don't get pregnant yet part of me feels that I need to prepare for both of the outcomes. These next three cycles change everything for us. We've pretty much realized that we can't afford further treatments. There really isn't any room in our budget to save for IVF or the difficult decision of using donor eggs. We might be able to scrounge up enough to adopt, but I don't know that adoption is really an option for us.
I know that there are many other women out there struggling with this same situation. Wondering where we will be left if this doesn't work. I realize that my thoughts and fears aren't unique to my situation, that unfortunately these questions have been asked my many. But what if this doesn't work? What if I never get pregnant? What if I have to face another holiday without a baby, a child to rear. Can we learn to live child free and be happy, fulfilled, satisfied? Will I always feel this empty? Will holding a beautiful niece, nephew, or child of a friend be enough for me? Will I always avoid holidays, events, parties?

The one thing that struck me the most was the fact that I realized, in the midst of this breakdown, that I don't even know how to talk to my friends any more. It seems like this is consuming me. When someone asks me "What's new?" the first thing that comes to my mind is to tell them where we are with our treatments, Scott's latest experience waiting his turn at the RE to produce his sample. Me driving like a mad-woman to my MIL's house so she can give me my trigger shot.

I know we won't always be here, in this situation. I only hope that in the next three months we will finally be pregnant. Because if we're not I am not sure how I will handle it.

Holding Pattern

I went to the clinic this morning for my blood work and an ultrasound to check everything before we start IUI Cycle #2. Each cycle starts this way, a check of my Estradoil (E2) levels and a good look at my giblets (ovaries and uterus). It's a rather strange little thing to go through. I step into a small dressing room, disrobe from the waist down, wrap a paper blanket around myself and shuffle into the ultrasound room. There is always a sonographer and a study coordinator in the room. I do have to say that I absolutely love the study coordinators. There are three women about my age and they are wonderful; so caring and understanding, willing to answer any questions I have. Two of the girls are runners too, so we've been talking about races this summer and our training schedules. It's nice to connect.
Okay, back to the giblet check. The sonographer performs the ultrasound. During a regular ART cycle, there is usually just the sonographer who will then give the ultrasound results to the RE to interpret. But since I am taking part in a study a coordinator is always present to record all of my results.
The sonographer studies the ultrasound pictures on the screen and calls out the measurements and findings to the coordinator who then records them for the study. As I was lying on the table this morning the sonographer started her measurements, checking my antral follicle count, measuring my lining, ovary size and corpus luteum cysts (the follicle casings remaining from any eggs that were released during my previous cycle.) She counted five antrals on my right side, and two corpus luteum cysts. Then she measured the cysts. One was something, I can't remember the size, and the second on was 47mm.
Oh. Shit.
I knew it right then. In order to avoid overstimulation most RE's worth their salt won't start another medicated cycle if there are any cysts over 30mm. For those of you who don't remember metric conversions from elementary school, I have a nice little almost two inch cyst in my right ovary.
She went on to measure my left, 8 antrals and one corpus luteum cyst plus two more. This corpus luteum one was 49mm! What!?! I have another almost two inch cyst in my left ovary!
A cyst aren't necessarily a bad thing; they actually means I ovulated. And the presence of three cysts means that I released three eggs this past cycle. This is a good thing, meaning that I responded well to the medications and produced some good little eggies.
The presence of the large cysts isn't so uncommon on a medicated cycle. But it does mean that we have to sit this next cycle out and hope that my body recovers and that the cysts reduce in size (which they should). Taking the cycle off should allow time for recovery, and thankfully I don't lose one of my four treatment cycles--the cycle off doesn't count against us.
Scott and I were both disappointed. Really disappointed because the first IUI didn't work and then that we have to wait a month until we can start our second round. I guess I'll just take this next month as time to get healthier, eat well, and get back on my running schedule.

FYAF

Well, this little acronym isn't a happy one. It's for F*** You Aunt Flow. She made her appearance this afternoon, on schedule, just as I've been predicting since around Thursday. So this first IUI was not successful. We are moving on to IUI Cycle #2. I'll go to the clinic tomorrow for my bloodwork and ultrasound to start the cycle, and they'll give me my medications which I will start on Tuesday. This means that IUI #2 will fall around or over Easter weekend.

Wishing and Waiting

Well, here I am, in my TWW, waiting to see if this first IUI was successful. It is still a little too early to be feeling any real symptoms, but of course I am still analyzing every twitch and potential sign.
I had my progesterone tested yesterday. During ART this is typically done around 7-9 days past ovulation to determine if you actually ovulated. A progesterone level over 10 indicates ovulation. Mine was 14. I am now 9 days past the IUI and have 6 days left until I go back to the clinic for a blood test to see if we are pregnant. Although I think I will have a pretty good idea before next Monday morning. According to my usual cycle pattern my period is due Saturday or Sunday. (Aren't you glad I share so much information!?!?) If it hasn't arrived by Monday morning then I think my chances of being pregnant are pretty good. But that's still almost a week away. I am trying to get through the next few days without stressing or obsessing too much. I think it helps to know that if this cycle doesn't work we still have three more chances.

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I talked to my mom and dad a little bit this weekend about the struggles of sharing information with friends and family. The up side to it is that I have so much support from so many wonderful people. The down side is that everyone is expecting updates. I've taken that safety net away; the one where most people wait a few weeks to share their good news and savor it for themselves. The same net that allows for you to digest the heartbreak of another failed cycle for a few days before moving. But since I've share the details with my friends and family, the exact time I took my trigger shot, the date and time of the IUI, the day my period is due, and the date of my pregnancy test at the clinic, I know people will be waiting to hear the results. I am afraid of having to share bad news if this doesn't work.
I told my parents that if they don't hear from my by Monday afternoon then I probably just need a few days to regroup. But if we do have good news on Monday you can be sure that I will be shouting it from the mountaintops. Okay, not the mountaintops, but you definitely will know!


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I do want to say that I appreciate everyone's prayers and support. The text messages, comments, emails and phone calls are wonderful. They really help to know that even though dealing with IF can seem so lonely that I have wonderful, loving family and friends out there supporting me and letting me know that Scott and I are in your thoughts.

Here's to hoping that this is the last month I am updating you about bloodwork, tests, IUIs and everything that goes with our treatments.