Ready to Trigger - Chicken!

A lot has happened since my last post. We were accepted to the study last Thursday and I started taking my meds on Friday. I went back to the clinic yesterday morning for monitoring. They took blood to test hormones and did an ultrasound to check my follicle growth. Everything looked good. I have two follicles ready to go, one in each ovary. They were 20mm and 21mm which is a really good size, and even better that they are so close in size. Usually if one is larger than the other, the smaller one will stop growing, and the larger one will take over and be the only egg to release. If both are very close in size as they develop and stay close in size until I trigger, then there is a very good chance that I will release both eggs. Twins? Maybe. But let's not get ahead of ourselves yet.

I was planning giving myself the trigger shot Friday night. When you get to this point in fertility treatments, everything is pretty precise. My bloodwork and ultrasound showed that I was almost ready to ovulate on my own, and the trigger shot needs to be taken at a point when the follicles are large enough to contain mature eggs to release, but before my body ovulates on my own. The nurse told me that I needed to trigger between 9:00 and 10:00 p.m. on Friday night. This is because the trigger shot makes you ovulate approximately 36-40 hours after you take it and the release of the eggs needs to be precisely coordinated with the timing of the IUI. We will go back to the clinic Sunday morning for the IUI, which will be 36 hours from the time I 'triggered' (took the shot).

Well, 9:00 rolled around last night and I was talking to my mom on the phone. I had to let her go so I could prepare and take the shot. This form of the trigger shot is different than the one I previously took. Before I took Ovidrel which comes already prepared in a syringe with a needle. I only had to swab my belly with some alcohol, pinch up a little bit of belly fat, stick myself and plunge the medication into my belly. This time around it's not so easy. This dose is an intramuscular shot and needs to be administered into my butt muscle. Yes, into the muscle. I was pretty sure I could do it myself and the nurse assured me that there are may women who do this. And Scott, I love him dearly, but he said "I can't even watch an episode of Gray's Anatomy without feeling sick, there's no way I can give you the shot."
So, at 9:15 I started to prepare the shot. One vial of water to reconstitute the freeze dried medication, one vial of the medication, one syringe, and three needles. (Just in case I need more than one try.) I mixed the medication, drew it up into the syringe, tapped out the air bubbles, swabbed my hip with alcohol, counted "one, two, three..." and hesitated. I was nervous that it would really hurt, that I wouldn't be able to pull up the syringe to check for blood, what if I had to pull the needle out and do it again? So, I started over, counted again "one, two, three..." pulled back to poke myself, and then hesitated. I did this about a hundred more times. It was now 9:30 and I realized I just couldn't do it myself. I was a total chicken-s#*t! Time to call in for reinforcements.

I called my mother-in-law and said "Diane, are you busy? If I drive down to your house can you give me a shot in my butt?" Thankfully I had already talked to her and asked her if she could give me the shot if I wasn't able to do it myself. She said "Of course!" I grabbed the syringe, the two extra needles and the box the meds came in, threw them in a ziplock baggie and headed out to Machi's house. As I'm driving down to her house I realize I don't have a prescription for the medication that is now sitting in a syringe, in a plastic baggie, in the front seat of my car. (Because this is a study, the coordinator just gives me the drugs when I am at my appointment. I don't fill a prescription at a pharmacy) I am in my pajamas and winter coat, tennis shoes untied, in my coke-bottle glasses, looking a little rough and very frazzled. I am contemplating a quick prayer "Please God, don't let me get pulled over!" as I try not to speed down to Machi's so she can give me the shot before 10:00. I was convinced I somewhat resembled a drug addict.

I made it to her house with ten minutes to spare. Munchie (Diane's beautiful but high-strung sheltie) is yipping at me and turning in excited circles at our feet as Diane tells me to lie across her couch with my booty in the air, pants pulled down over my right hip, as she taps the air out of the syringe and then gives me the shot. Munchie realized the situation was serious (LOL) and calmed down She even nuzzled up to me as I was lying on the couch. It was hilarious. I am sure others have endured stranger situations to get to their goal. I had to laugh. The whole thing was hilarious. But we managed to get it all done. I stayed at her house until midnight eating some delicious raspberry-chocolate ice cream talking about the follies of dealing with infertility. It ended up being a very nice evening.

So we wait until tomorrow (Sunday) morning when we go back to the clinic for the actual IUI. Then I go back about 9 days after the IUI for more bloodwork and yet another ultrasound. Two weeks from Sunday, if I haven't started my period, I will go back for a blood draw to check my beta levels to see if I am pregnant. If I am, I will shout it from the mountain tops, post it on Facebook, Twitter, and maybe even my email signature at work. Okay, probably not there, and definitely not before we first tell our parents. But we are so excited and hopeful.
Which leaves me in a strange place. I've shared quite a lot of information with friends and family, even some co-workers. So most people will know when we should know if we are pregnant or not. I am sure some will be anxious to hear the results, but I am afraid that if it doesn't work I may not want to share the news right away. I don't know. I guess I don't really want to think about that. The good thing is that with the study, we get four chances so I am not feeling too much pressure for this first cycle.

For now, I will probably post again tomorrow to tell you all how the IUI went. And then we will wait and see. Because the trigger shot is actually the hormone your body produces when you are pregnant, which is the same hormone a home pregnancy test detects, I can't test early. The trigger shot will produce a false-positive on a home pregnancy test for about 10-14 days after the shot. The only way to know if we are pregnant is to wait for the blood work in two weeks. So, let the waiting begin.

Accepted!!!

Just a quick update. This past week has been very busy, and a little stressful. We've been chugging along with the testing at the clinic so that we can participate in their study. Yesterday I had my cycle day 3 bloodwork done and my FSH and E2 levels were tested. FSH was 10.8 and E2 as 42. Both levels meet the study requirements and we officially start cycling today! This means that I start taking the stimulating meds to get ready for the IUI (insemination). I went back to the clinic this morning for yet another full blood work-up and an ultrasound. This is the second ultrasound at the clinic and I had 14 antral follicles again!!! This is fabulous news.
I was also assigned my medications today. Scott and I were both hoping for the Menopur, which is an injectable drug. But we didn't get the Menopur. Instead we received either Clomid or Femara. We don't know which one because it is a blind study. Also, the pills are over-coated and don't look anything like the pills I took before so I have absolutely no idea what we got.

We are very excited and hopeful that the treatments will finally get us pregnant! I'll try to keep everyone posted.

One Step Closer

I went to the clinic today for a physical, baseline blood work, pap, and ultrasound. Scott goes for his semen analysis on Thursday and I go next week for my hormone check at the beginning of my cycle. We are one step closer to meeting all of the requirements for the study and being able to start our first treatment cycle next week.
The exam went well today and my ultrasound looked really good. I am in my luteal phase, which is the two weeks after ovulation but before my period starts. Dr. Manny said it was a great time for the ultrasound and he was able to get some really good images of my uterus and ovaries. (Dad, sorry if you're reading this!) The really, really good news is that I had quite a lot of follicles. The last time I had an ultrasound to check antral follicles I only had nine follicles total --that was nine in both ovaries combined. This time I had eight in my left ovary and six in my right, for a total of 14 follicles! 14 follicles is normal! 14 follicles is actually fabulous!!!! 14 follicles without any stimulating drugs!
This is really good because with my previous results combined with the elevated FSH and my low-ish AMH, my follicle count showed a *slightly* diminished ovarian reserve. The 14 follicles today shows that I have more follicles developing this cycle, and more than I've had in any of my previous monitored cycles.
What does this all mean? Well, my elevated FSH means that my body is working harder to produce follicle--my body has to produce more of the Follicle Stimulating Hormone to produce the follicles, which develop and one releases an egg each cycle. My previous AMH level of 0.8 correlated to my antral follicle count of 9. Typically your antral follicle count is ten times your AMH level. So RE's use the AMH level to confirm what they see in the ultrasound when checking antral follicles. A normal AMH level is around 2, but anything under 1.0 is considered on low end. As I explained in my previous posts, this all meant that I had - at best - slightly diminished ovarian reserve. According to my previous RE, and all of the research I've done, this is probably why we haven't been able to get pregnant yet. Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR) means that I don't have very many eggs left, and those that are left may not be the best quality, and tend to not 'want' to fertilize. The low antral follicle count means that there aren't that many eggs developing at the beginning of each cycle, so chances aren't very high that there are very many good eggs in the group. Those of us with DOR are just waiting for that one really good egg to develop and hopefully be fertilized. It's not that we can't get pregnant, it just means that each month our chances are lower than the average bear. It takes longer to get pregnant, and time is not on our side because our ovarian reserve continues to lower over time.

Okay, back to my appointment today. If I had my AMH checked this month, it would probably come in around 1.4, which is significantly better than my previous 0.8.
I don't know why my numbers are so much better. It might be due to the fact that I've been taking wheatgrass twice daily for the past few months. The wheatgrass is supposed to improve your egg quality and quantity, so it seems that I am seeing some real results from it. Dr. Manny said it's okay for me to keep taking it, so that is good. And, I really, really like Dr. Manny.

So, that is all for the update today. I am getting more and more excited as we get closer to starting the study.

Thank God for my 'Meddling Mother-in-Law"!!!!!

Last week while I was at work I saw I had a missed call from my mother-in-law. She doesn't typically call me at work, so I listened to the message and then called her back. I can't even remember now why she actually called me. A few minutes into the conversation she said "Now, I don't want you to think I am a meddling mother-in-law but I saw something in the newspaper the other day and I just have to tell you about it." I was a little nervous. I mean, what could it be? I would never consider D to be 'meddling' and this was a little odd, mostly because it was out of character for her.
She told me that she saw and advertisement for a clinical trial for infertility. She gave me the basic information and asked if I wanted the phone number. I swallowed my first response, which was "Hell yes I want the number!!" and instead said "Yeah, that would be great." Now, I love my MIL (mother-in-law) dearly, and we have wonderful conversations. But that afternoon I couldn't get off the phone quickly enough. I may have been dialing the number for the clinic on my work line as I was wrapping things up with her on my cell.
Long story short, I called the number for the study and Scott and I passed the first portion of the screening process. I scheduled an appointment for the next week for us to go and sign the consent forms. That was last week.
Since then, we met with a study coordinator and we passed the second portion of the screening process. The only thing that stands between us and four months of 100% paid for fertility treatments is one semen analysis for Scott (he passed his last one with flying colors!) and one round of initial blood work for me. As long as my FSH comes in under 12 the whole thing will be a go! My last FSH was 11.0 and that was after three cycles of Clomid. I've read that Clomid can actually cause a rise in FSH. Prior to any fertility treatments, my FSH was 10.2. We are crossing our fingers that my testing comes back within the 'normal' range, under 12, and we can proceed with the trial.

The trial consists of four cycles of medication paired with IUI, which is intrauterine insemination. AKA, the turkey baster method. Here are some details. So if you don't want to know about them, just skip to the next section.
Not this section, the one below the divider lines. The cycle will go like this. Next week I will have a physical and some baseline bloodwork done. This bloodwork is not to measure my fertility hormones, but just basic bloodwork like you would have done at an annual physical. I also have to have a pap smear and and ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries. Then we wait for my period to start. On cycle day 3 I go back for the bloodwork to check my FSH. If that is below 12 then I am assigned a fertility medication for the duration of the study. The medications are Clomid, Femara, and Menopur. The Clomid and Femara are oral pills to take. The Menopur is an injectable stimulating drug. I've taken Clomid and Femara before so I am really hoping for the Menopur. The oral medications are taken on cycle days 3-7, and the Menapour could deviate from this schedule, based in my response. I could take it cycle days 3-7 or I could take it longer.
During this time I will have to go to the clinic for bloodwork and ultrasounds to monitor my follicle (egg) development. Once my follicles have matured I then take what is called a 'trigger shot'. The trigger shot will cause the follicle(s) to release the egg(s) within about 24-48 hours. 48 hours after I take the trigger shot, Scott and I will return to the clinic for the IUI. This is when Scott has to produce his sample which will be 'washed'. This is where the sample is taken into the lab and the not-so-good swimmers are washed away, leaving only the really good and strong swimmers. I will be waiting in a procedure room while all of this is happening. Once all of the good swimmers are ready the doctor will bring them into the procedure room with me and use a catheter to place them directly into my uterus through my cervix.

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Okay. For those of you who skipped to the next section, it is now safe to read.
The study lasts for four cycles. If we get pregnant before the fourth cycle then we the treatments will stop. The clinic will monitor us through the first six weeks then release us to my OBGYN.
According to the consent forms we signed, the study is being conducted to compare the rates of multiple births (twins or more) when using the three drugs to treat unexplained infertiilty. Clomid has a multiple birth rate of about 10%, Menopur has a multiple birth rate of about 20-25%, and Femara is reported have a multiple birth rate similar to that of the 'normal' rate that occurs without medications. The medication doses are standard, and I am won't be pumped with excessive amounts of drugs. Of course there is a risk of twins, but the clinic is very careful with monitoring the number of maturing follicles and most likely won't proceed with the IUI if there are too many follicles present.
I've tried to cover all of the basics, but please ask questions if you have any. I will do my best to answer them.
We are very hopeful and very thankful that D told us about this study. This treatment plan is most likely what we would have done with our regular RE. We were hesitant because the treatments can be costly, around $2500 or more per cycle. The cost depends on how much medication and monitoring is needed during each cycle. Our health insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments so we would be paying out-of-pocket for all bloodwork, ultrasounds, medications and procedures. This really is a blessing. I am so incredibly thankful that my mother-in-law saw the advertisement for this study!
And for the record, I do not think D meddles! But it was a good title for my post.

Balancing Acts and Expectations

One of the things that I struggle with the most as Scott and I continue down this path of trying to start a family is balance. Balancing work and our social life with the appointments, time commitments and general stress of another round of treatments. Balancing our hope and determination with two and a half years of disappointment every month when my cycle starts. Balancing hope with practicality. Balancing risks with rewards. Balancing our budget to pay for the next round of treatment and medications.

Balancing our feelings and emotions have been one of my greatest struggles. Trying to balance my feelings against the feelings of those around us, whom we love dearly. Do I go to the baby shower and risk breaking into tears at some point, or do I stay home and risk hurting a dear friend's feelings? Do I tell the person that something they recently did or said was hurtful and attempt to explain my feelings, or do I just try to swallow it and move on? Do I go to the party or event and hope and pray that no-one pulls me aside to tell me they are pregnant? (That can really ruin a nice party, by the way.) Or do we stay home and make up an excuse because we can't handle the possibility that someone might share their great news?

Do I register for the running event that is four months away, invest in the $85 entrance fee only in the hopes that we are finally pregnant by race day and I won't be able to run the race? We can't put our life on hold and yet we want to remain hopeful. But being hopeful sometimes that means we may miss out on something we really want to do. So do we hope and miss something, or do we just do our best to go along as if nothing is really wrong, as if we aren't waiting for the biggest thing in our lives to finally happen.

The cynical, infertile in me wants to book a very expensive, non-refundable vacation. That would do it, right? I mean, let's pay a few thousand dollars to go on a second honeymoon in the hopes that we get pregnant before the trip. No Pina Colodas for us, or at least none for me.

Sometimes I find that I relate to something I saw on a television show or a movie. It seems that so many stories are developing around a character struggling to get pregnant. I am sure that this is mostly my perception and heightened senses because of our struggle. I find that I don't like it when I relate too much to the characters; it just seems so incredibly cliche. I feel like Mary Catherine Gallagher, "my emotions can be best described by the Lifetime made for TV movie... If you know the skit, you know what I am talking about. Sometimes I think "Seriously, Corinne. Get a grip." But other times I am brought to tears.
My most recent experience occurred while watching Grey's Anatomy last week. Callie recently found herself pregnant, which of course wasn't planned. And to add insult to injury, Callie is a lesbian who after a recent break-up found herself in bed with a male lover from her past. I need to stop here and remind myself that THIS IS JUST A TV SHOW!!! Of course Callie gets pregnant. I mean, would it happen any other way? As if that wasn't insulting enough, the storyline continues and Meredith is drawn in because she struggling with trying to get pregnant. (Did I mention that Meredith is my favorite character?) Callie asked Christina (Meredith's BFF) to be the Godmother to the bun in her oven. Merdeith tells Christina "You told her no, right?" Christina is stunned. Why would she tell Callie no? Near the end of the episode, Meredith finally explains to Christina why this bothers her so much. Meredith says something like "I know this is crazy, but if you say yes to being Callie's baby's Godmother, it's like saying you don't think I will ever be a mother." Ouch. That stung. I cried and cried. Because I've felt that way before. More than once. That something someone said or did had that hint of 'well, you might not get that chance, so I'm going to take this one.'
And it all goes back to balance, and the struggle that I've been having for over two years now. Just because my life isn't happening within the time frame we wanted doesn't mean that everyone else should wait until we finally get there.

The hardest part is that there seems to be no right answer, no right way to go through this and deal with all of our emotions. Of course we hurt when we hear someone dear to us is pregnant. It is all internal hurt, because in our hearts we are beyond happy for these people. But our hearts and bodies also ache, wishing that just this one time it could be us.

I also realize that there probably is no 'right way' for someone to approach these very delicate situations. I could pick apart every situation, but I won't do that. I don't do that. I will say that recently, there have been a few situations where someone close to me has taken me by surprise by acknowledging our struggles. Sometimes it feels good just to hear "I understand that this can be difficult". Strange to say, but it feels good to hear it.

Blessings in Disguise

Scott and I had our appointment scheduled with Dr. B at HFCRM yesterday afternoon at 4:00. I arrived at the appointment a little early and sent Scott a text message to let him know I was already there. He was about 10 minutes away so I decided to take a few minutes to clean out my car. If you know me at all you may know that my car typically looks like I've been living out of it. I had trash, gym clothes, a gym bag, and at least five empty water bottles plus a few coffee mugs that all needed to find their way out of my car. I turned around in my seat to put these things into bags; one for the trash and one to take into the house once I got home.
I was excited for the appointment, excited to start fertility treatments again, and excited for the possibility that we might actually, finally get pregnant. I was also really excited to go to dinner with Scott after the appointment and tell him about the phone call from his mother I got that afternoon. A phone call that might really change the whole game.
I finished cleaning the junk out of the backseat of my car and turned around to gather my purse and bags to go into the doctor's office and wait for our appointment. As I turned around my vision went blurry. It took me a moment to realize that I was getting a migraine. All I could think was "Seriously?" Why would this be happening to me? Now? In the parking lot at the RE's office?!? I called Scott and we decided to cancel the appointment. I really needed to get home and get to bed before my migraine got to be unbearable. I went into the office and told the receptionist that I was ill and we needed to reschedule the appointment. Then I drove home and went to bed.
Maybe it was a good thing the appointment was canceled because the phone call from my mother-in-law was about a study that is currently being conducted at WSU. She gave me the information and I called the study coordinator right away. After a half hour long conversation, where I mostly answered "no" to the questions the woman had for me, we passed the first of two pre-screening sessions! The study is examine multiple birth rates for three different fertility drugs when used to treat unexplained infertility. Even though my hormone levels all point to DOR, my levels are still good enough to qualify for this study. As long as my cycle-day-three FSH level comes in under 12, we should be able to take part in the study. My FSH has been 10.2 and 11.0, so I hope it is still in the same range!!!
The study consists of four medicated cycles, each with a fertility drug and intrauterine insemination (IUI), also know as artificial insemination.
On cycle day 3 we will be given our medications and each cycle they could be different. The study will cover all of our medications, monitoring, testing, bloodwork and the IUI procedure, as well as bloodwork 9 and 14 days after the IUI to confirm ovulation and then test for pregnancy. It is all paid by the study!
So, please send prayers out for Scott and me. We are really hoping that we pass the second part of the pre-screening and that we will qualify. We should know within the next week or two!!

Back to the Beginning

After quite a bit of discussion Scott and I have decided that we are going to go back to see Dr. B at HFCRM. I called and made an appointment and we will see her the week of February 14th. We giving this one more round of treatments and we are doing our best to go into this round with lots of hope and confidence.

This is hard. So hard. But we are keeping a positive outlook and really hoping that whatever Dr. B has in store for us will finally result in a pregnancy.
While I am not exactly looking forward to early morning trips to the RE for monitoring I am very excited that we could maybe, possibly, hopefully (please, please, please!!!) be pregnant within the next few months.

Wow. Not At All What We Expected

Well. I think we are both still in utter and complete shock. We had our appointment this morning with a new RE at a new clinic. The clinic comes very highly recommended and is a top clinic in our area. We were also pleased that the clinic is only about two miles from our home, so traveling for early morning bloodwork and appointments would be much easier than driving all the way to Troy and then back to Auburn Hills for work.
Our appointment was at 11:30, and due to the Monday morning rush and a few emergencies (not ours) at the clinic, we didn't see the doctor until 12:45. The nurse called me in for the appointment and we met with a PA who went over my medical records that were sent over from our first clinic, HFCRM. She warned me that the RE can be very abrupt and wouldn't mince words.
The RE came in and introduced himeself. Very friendly and professional. He quickly reviewed my charts and then said that he would do an ultrasound to complete his prognosis.
I was wisked into the ultrasound room and the RE came in with the PA. He checked my ovaries and showed me a follicle that appears to be producing an egg for this cycle. He finished the exam and then said, quite curtly, that he recommends IVF. He doesn't see any reason to try injectables and IUI (insemination) as it could take many, many cycles to achieve a pregnancy this way. His only recommended course of action was to start IVF. And he also said that given my high FSH, low AMH, and low number of eggs (low AFC) that I probaly wouldn't get pregnant on the first IVF cycle. My chances are about 40%, and his success rates are 65%, meaning that I am well below the average rate.
Scott and I are not ready to do IVF, and I don't know if we will ever be.
I guess we have a lot to think about and some decisions to make over the next few weeks or months.
Do we go back to HFCRM and see what our first RE has to say?
Do we stop here?
Do we scrimp and save and try one round of IVF?
What about the One-Cycle Plus options? We could get one fresh and one frozen cycle for the price of a 'regular' cycle, but then we have to freeze embryos. Something I have always said I would not do.
So. Here we are. We've been told that our chances of concieving 'naturally' are very, very low.
Do we move to adoption?
So many questions.

Back in the Saddle - or the Stirrups...

Well, Scott and I have decided to give this another go and we made an appointment to see a new RE. We have our appointment tomorrow. It's just a consultation where the RE will go over our medical records and discuss our next course of action.
We will most likely do a cycle with oral medications and maybe some injectables and with an IUI.
These past few months have been pretty hard for us. The Holiday Season was bettersweet. We had a fabulous time spending time with our families, but it was our second Christmas since we started trying to have a baby. Our second Christmas dealing with the disappointment of not yet having conceived. All the while many of our close friends were celebrating the birth of their first, and sometimes second, child. Joy fills our hearts for our friends, but it it sometimes overshadowed by our sadness for ourselves. It's a feeling that is nearly impossible to put into words. Joy and sorrow.
We've come to be very sincerely happy for what we do have. And we are giving this one more try. Well, maybe more than one, since we will most likely commit to another three or four cycles. But, this will most likely be our last round of treatments before we consider other options.
We are both very excited, hopeful, and nervous for tomorrow and for what is to come.

Opening the Door

I've decided it is time to really open up a little and explain some of the craziness I was dealing with which really led to the summer break Scott and I decided to take. In April, after several months of fertility treatments, we still weren't pregnant. Scott and I were relaxing one evening when his friend told him that his wife's TB skin-test she had to take for her new job came back positive. Immediately my heart started beating rapidly, I got hot and flushed, and was convinced that I had TB. We had just spent an entire weekend with our friends at their cottage. I had slept in the same house as her.
Within thirty seconds of hearing this, I was not concerned about her health, about what it could mean for her starting her career as a nurse, nor was I concerned at all about the health of her family. I was only concerned with the possibility (in my head and not in reality) that I had contracted TB which would result in being completely infertile. I mean, Mrs. E had TB which settled in her fallopian tubes causing scaring, and leading to her inability to conceive.
Surely the same thing happened to me the weekend I stayed at my friend's cottage.
I called my mom. I called my mother-in-law (a nurse) and I called my grandmother (also a nurse). Everyone told me that a positive skin test only meant that my friend had been exposed to TB, not that she had an active case. And that you can't contract TB unless someone has an active case. But I couldn't and wouldn't take the chance. The next morning at work, I called my RE's office. The nurse explained the same thing but told me that I should call my general practitioner and schedule a skin test just to be sure. So I called my doctor, but they couldn't get me in for a week. Surely by then there would be no chance that I cold be treated, only ensuring the fact that this was the fertility kiss-of-death.
So I did what any other TTC-obsessed woman would do. I called the health department to schedule a test. I left work at lunch to drive the 30 minutes to the county Health Department to have the skin test administered. I left work two hours early two days later to drive back to the county Health Department to have the test read. I cried every night.
The test came back negative. Which now I realize, of course it would. My friend had additional tests which showed that she was probably exposed to TB at some time over the past few years, and of course she did not have an active case.

That was when I realized I had completely lost it.

The treatments, the medications, the hormones, driving to the RE's office multiple times a cycle for blood work and monitoring, it was all way too much for me. This wasn't how I had pictured starting a family. And this definitely wasn't me. It was then and there that I decided I needed a break. I needed to find my sanity again, or at least some semblance of my former sanity.
The thing is, once you've been here and been through this, there is no turning back.
It has been over two years now that Scott and I have been trying to get pregnant. It has been ten months since we first started fertility treatments.
I am still not pregnant.

But, I am in a much better emotional state than I was just a few months ago. I think the break was just what I needed to let myself regroup and calm down from the hysteria that surrounded my treatments and my life at that time.

I also think that this experience, and this post, has allowed me to open the door a little to what I have been feeling and experiencing. Thus far, I have been very cautious with my posts; with what I write and what I share. But the truth is that dealing with infertility is not easy, and it is not always (or ever) pleasant. So, I think that in my future posts I may be more open and honest with what is going on and with what I am feeling.