Confessions of an Infertile

While going through what we have been through over the past three years I have had times when some pretty crazy thoughts run through my mind. Sometimes they are laughable and sometimes they are sad. I've also said or done some things that are pretty crazy as well. The Catholic in me thinks that if I confess these things, (not in the actual confession booth, but here in the blogosphere) then maybe I can be forgiven. Maybe someone else can say that they have been there with me too. For ICLW week I've decided to share a few. Please feel free to add your own!

Sometimes I have mild panic attacks and play through my head the dreaded possibility that my next get-together with friends may result in one of them announcing a pregnancy. I really hope that by now my close friends and family realize that they are in an "announce at your own risk zone". Maybe I could make a T-shirt for such occasion! I might even make enough money to pay for our next round of treatments. It's not that I won't eventually be happy for this person, but I know I won't be able to predict nor control my initial reaction. So a phone call or a text a day or two ahead of time would be much appreciated.

I've actually POAS within a few days of my HCG trigger shot just to see what a BFP actually looks like, knowing it's just the trigger shot causing the positive test. Hey, I'll take what I can get at this point.

Sometimes I will avoid running in the TWW just because I don't want to bounce my potential bean too much and prevent implantation. Crazy, I know. But I still don't run much in the TWW. Sometimes not at all.

I still drink too much coffee. Two cups a day, and sometimes another half-cup after lunch. I can't seem to completely cut out caffeine from my diet.

When I see a woman with twins, or a former friend or aquaintence on Facebook with twins, I have an overwhelming urge to ask this person the name and number for their RE. I realize that twins actually do occur in nature, in the regular world of pregnancies, and not only with medical intervention. But still, I can't help but wonder.

I actually long for cankles, morning sickness, sleepless nights and swollen body parts.

I am extremely jealous of people who have no idea what a TWW is, what CM is, what POAS means, and IUI, ART, DOR, ICSI, etc., ect.!

When people ask me how things are going with our fertility treatments, I just say "things are going well". I can't bring myself to actually open up any more because I am afraid that if I start talking I won't be able to stop.

I recently had dinner with friends and told two of my girlfriends and one of their husbands that the combination of fertility drugs and supplements has cause me to grow a beard. Now while it isn't an actual beard, I have noticed a few little chin hairs that I NEVER had before. Age? Hormones? Supplements? Who knows. Either way it sucks and I can't believe I actually said this out loud, over a glass of wine before dinner, in front of my friend's husband.

At our last IUI my DH wasn't even there with me and I was actually ok with it. I love him dearly, and he is a wonderful support, but it just didn't work with our schedule. He went to the office first to 'deposit his sample' then came home and went to work. I went back to the office two hours later for the IUI and read some Dracula while waiting out the 30 minutes post-IUI on the table.

I took a picture while lying on the table because DH wasn't there and thought that if this cycle was successful he should at least have a picture of when it happened. It was just a picture of my knees covered with the paper blankie.

Sometimes I don't even shut my office door anymore when I am at work and the RE's office calls with blood work results.

I blame everything on the fertility meds even when I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with the meds. Overate tonight, it's the meds. Face breaking out, it's the meds. Crabby at work or at my husband, tired, happy, insomnia, bloated, it's the meds.

I actually made an Excel chart to determine my estimated HCG levels each day after taking the trigger shot. I did this so that I know when I can start testing and get reliable results.