Balancing Acts and Expectations

One of the things that I struggle with the most as Scott and I continue down this path of trying to start a family is balance. Balancing work and our social life with the appointments, time commitments and general stress of another round of treatments. Balancing our hope and determination with two and a half years of disappointment every month when my cycle starts. Balancing hope with practicality. Balancing risks with rewards. Balancing our budget to pay for the next round of treatment and medications.

Balancing our feelings and emotions have been one of my greatest struggles. Trying to balance my feelings against the feelings of those around us, whom we love dearly. Do I go to the baby shower and risk breaking into tears at some point, or do I stay home and risk hurting a dear friend's feelings? Do I tell the person that something they recently did or said was hurtful and attempt to explain my feelings, or do I just try to swallow it and move on? Do I go to the party or event and hope and pray that no-one pulls me aside to tell me they are pregnant? (That can really ruin a nice party, by the way.) Or do we stay home and make up an excuse because we can't handle the possibility that someone might share their great news?

Do I register for the running event that is four months away, invest in the $85 entrance fee only in the hopes that we are finally pregnant by race day and I won't be able to run the race? We can't put our life on hold and yet we want to remain hopeful. But being hopeful sometimes that means we may miss out on something we really want to do. So do we hope and miss something, or do we just do our best to go along as if nothing is really wrong, as if we aren't waiting for the biggest thing in our lives to finally happen.

The cynical, infertile in me wants to book a very expensive, non-refundable vacation. That would do it, right? I mean, let's pay a few thousand dollars to go on a second honeymoon in the hopes that we get pregnant before the trip. No Pina Colodas for us, or at least none for me.

Sometimes I find that I relate to something I saw on a television show or a movie. It seems that so many stories are developing around a character struggling to get pregnant. I am sure that this is mostly my perception and heightened senses because of our struggle. I find that I don't like it when I relate too much to the characters; it just seems so incredibly cliche. I feel like Mary Catherine Gallagher, "my emotions can be best described by the Lifetime made for TV movie... If you know the skit, you know what I am talking about. Sometimes I think "Seriously, Corinne. Get a grip." But other times I am brought to tears.
My most recent experience occurred while watching Grey's Anatomy last week. Callie recently found herself pregnant, which of course wasn't planned. And to add insult to injury, Callie is a lesbian who after a recent break-up found herself in bed with a male lover from her past. I need to stop here and remind myself that THIS IS JUST A TV SHOW!!! Of course Callie gets pregnant. I mean, would it happen any other way? As if that wasn't insulting enough, the storyline continues and Meredith is drawn in because she struggling with trying to get pregnant. (Did I mention that Meredith is my favorite character?) Callie asked Christina (Meredith's BFF) to be the Godmother to the bun in her oven. Merdeith tells Christina "You told her no, right?" Christina is stunned. Why would she tell Callie no? Near the end of the episode, Meredith finally explains to Christina why this bothers her so much. Meredith says something like "I know this is crazy, but if you say yes to being Callie's baby's Godmother, it's like saying you don't think I will ever be a mother." Ouch. That stung. I cried and cried. Because I've felt that way before. More than once. That something someone said or did had that hint of 'well, you might not get that chance, so I'm going to take this one.'
And it all goes back to balance, and the struggle that I've been having for over two years now. Just because my life isn't happening within the time frame we wanted doesn't mean that everyone else should wait until we finally get there.

The hardest part is that there seems to be no right answer, no right way to go through this and deal with all of our emotions. Of course we hurt when we hear someone dear to us is pregnant. It is all internal hurt, because in our hearts we are beyond happy for these people. But our hearts and bodies also ache, wishing that just this one time it could be us.

I also realize that there probably is no 'right way' for someone to approach these very delicate situations. I could pick apart every situation, but I won't do that. I don't do that. I will say that recently, there have been a few situations where someone close to me has taken me by surprise by acknowledging our struggles. Sometimes it feels good just to hear "I understand that this can be difficult". Strange to say, but it feels good to hear it.