Well, just as I suspected this cycle was a bust. Aunt Flow made her appearance this afternoon, exactly on schedule, just like she has for the past 25 cycles. Is this really happening to me, to us? I don't even close my office door any longer when I call the RE, speaking clearly into the voicemail saying:
"This is Corinne. My medical record number is 12345678. I am calling to report the outcome of this cycle. I started my period this afternoon. I will be staring my next round of Femara on cycle day three and I need to make my appointment for my cycle day twelve bloodwork and monitoring. Please call me back, you may leave a message if I don't answer."
Then I hang up and dial the online Fertility Pharmacy and order my Ovidrel. "This is Corinne calling to refill my prescription for Ovidrel." With my door still open, I hang up and call my local pharmacy to refill my Femara, and I cross my fingers when I pick it up that my insurance is still allowing the co-pay and that I don't have to pay the out-of-pocket cost because after all, I am using it for a fertility treatment, which is not supposed to be covered by my insuranse.
The Ovidrel is shipped to me at work in a huge refrigerated Federal Express overnight box. When our warehouse manager delivers it to my office the morning it arrives, I will have to immediately take it out of the package and put it in the refrigerator in our break room. I hope no one is pilfering the fridge later that day, looking for a sweet treat to steal, peeking into my goodie-bag only to find a prescription box with my name on it, containing a syringe filled with my next month of hope.
I am not really sure what I feel tonight. I am a little sad and a lot empty. Is that even possible; to feel a lot empty? I am really beginning to wonder if this is going to work. The more I read about Diminished Ovarian Reserve, the more afraid I become. Reading blogs and other women's experiences telling me to run, do not walk, do not pass go, but run like the wind to the nearest RE and inquire about IVF. Like yesterday.
With each passing cycle, I am afraid that I am coming closer and closer to never being a mother. What if this never happens for us? What if I am only able to watch other people's children grow up? What if it's only Scott and me? I don't think I can handle that possibility.
I've listened to all sorts of advice. Take a break, take this vitamin, take a deep breath, take some time to relax, take some royal bee jelly, take some wheatgrass. Okay, well, I don't know what to say to those things. My whole body aches to see those two pink lines.
So, do I take the Femara or do I take a break? What if I break? I just don't know if I can take any of this anymore.
I don't want you to give up Corinne. I hear the frustration and devastation in these posts and it breaks my heart. I don't want YOU to break. There are so many other options besides Femera that are out there that you have no tried yet. There is still hope that something else will work! See what the new RE says and question whether you should do another round of Femera or try something else. I know this has been a long long road for you but you have managed to go on every month b/c you are a strong determined woman. The new RE might run tests again and come up with better ideas or maybe things will have changed. I just can't let you lose hope.. I will carry enough hope for the both of us!
ReplyDeleteTears. Thank you so much Jules. I always have my worst days right when AF shows her ugly face. I think it is a combination of hormones and another cycle that didn't work. But, usually after a day or two I manage to pick myself back up and keep moving on. Well, Scott plays a big role in that too! Thanks for your support and hope! I am still hopeful, it just hides sometimes.
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