Well. I think we are both still in utter and complete shock. We had our appointment this morning with a new RE at a new clinic. The clinic comes very highly recommended and is a top clinic in our area. We were also pleased that the clinic is only about two miles from our home, so traveling for early morning bloodwork and appointments would be much easier than driving all the way to Troy and then back to Auburn Hills for work.
Our appointment was at 11:30, and due to the Monday morning rush and a few emergencies (not ours) at the clinic, we didn't see the doctor until 12:45. The nurse called me in for the appointment and we met with a PA who went over my medical records that were sent over from our first clinic, HFCRM. She warned me that the RE can be very abrupt and wouldn't mince words.
The RE came in and introduced himeself. Very friendly and professional. He quickly reviewed my charts and then said that he would do an ultrasound to complete his prognosis.
I was wisked into the ultrasound room and the RE came in with the PA. He checked my ovaries and showed me a follicle that appears to be producing an egg for this cycle. He finished the exam and then said, quite curtly, that he recommends IVF. He doesn't see any reason to try injectables and IUI (insemination) as it could take many, many cycles to achieve a pregnancy this way. His only recommended course of action was to start IVF. And he also said that given my high FSH, low AMH, and low number of eggs (low AFC) that I probaly wouldn't get pregnant on the first IVF cycle. My chances are about 40%, and his success rates are 65%, meaning that I am well below the average rate.
Scott and I are not ready to do IVF, and I don't know if we will ever be.
I guess we have a lot to think about and some decisions to make over the next few weeks or months.
Do we go back to HFCRM and see what our first RE has to say?
Do we stop here?
Do we scrimp and save and try one round of IVF?
What about the One-Cycle Plus options? We could get one fresh and one frozen cycle for the price of a 'regular' cycle, but then we have to freeze embryos. Something I have always said I would not do.
So. Here we are. We've been told that our chances of concieving 'naturally' are very, very low.
Do we move to adoption?
So many questions.
Lilypie Maternity tickers
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Back in the Saddle - or the Stirrups...
Well, Scott and I have decided to give this another go and we made an appointment to see a new RE. We have our appointment tomorrow. It's just a consultation where the RE will go over our medical records and discuss our next course of action.
We will most likely do a cycle with oral medications and maybe some injectables and with an IUI.
These past few months have been pretty hard for us. The Holiday Season was bettersweet. We had a fabulous time spending time with our families, but it was our second Christmas since we started trying to have a baby. Our second Christmas dealing with the disappointment of not yet having conceived. All the while many of our close friends were celebrating the birth of their first, and sometimes second, child. Joy fills our hearts for our friends, but it it sometimes overshadowed by our sadness for ourselves. It's a feeling that is nearly impossible to put into words. Joy and sorrow.
We've come to be very sincerely happy for what we do have. And we are giving this one more try. Well, maybe more than one, since we will most likely commit to another three or four cycles. But, this will most likely be our last round of treatments before we consider other options.
We are both very excited, hopeful, and nervous for tomorrow and for what is to come.
We will most likely do a cycle with oral medications and maybe some injectables and with an IUI.
These past few months have been pretty hard for us. The Holiday Season was bettersweet. We had a fabulous time spending time with our families, but it was our second Christmas since we started trying to have a baby. Our second Christmas dealing with the disappointment of not yet having conceived. All the while many of our close friends were celebrating the birth of their first, and sometimes second, child. Joy fills our hearts for our friends, but it it sometimes overshadowed by our sadness for ourselves. It's a feeling that is nearly impossible to put into words. Joy and sorrow.
We've come to be very sincerely happy for what we do have. And we are giving this one more try. Well, maybe more than one, since we will most likely commit to another three or four cycles. But, this will most likely be our last round of treatments before we consider other options.
We are both very excited, hopeful, and nervous for tomorrow and for what is to come.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Opening the Door
I've decided it is time to really open up a little and explain some of the craziness I was dealing with which really led to the summer break Scott and I decided to take. In April, after several months of fertility treatments, we still weren't pregnant. Scott and I were relaxing one evening when his friend told him that his wife's TB skin-test she had to take for her new job came back positive. Immediately my heart started beating rapidly, I got hot and flushed, and was convinced that I had TB. We had just spent an entire weekend with our friends at their cottage. I had slept in the same house as her.
Within thirty seconds of hearing this, I was not concerned about her health, about what it could mean for her starting her career as a nurse, nor was I concerned at all about the health of her family. I was only concerned with the possibility (in my head and not in reality) that I had contracted TB which would result in being completely infertile. I mean, Mrs. E had TB which settled in her fallopian tubes causing scaring, and leading to her inability to conceive.
Surely the same thing happened to me the weekend I stayed at my friend's cottage.
I called my mom. I called my mother-in-law (a nurse) and I called my grandmother (also a nurse). Everyone told me that a positive skin test only meant that my friend had been exposed to TB, not that she had an active case. And that you can't contract TB unless someone has an active case. But I couldn't and wouldn't take the chance. The next morning at work, I called my RE's office. The nurse explained the same thing but told me that I should call my general practitioner and schedule a skin test just to be sure. So I called my doctor, but they couldn't get me in for a week. Surely by then there would be no chance that I cold be treated, only ensuring the fact that this was the fertility kiss-of-death.
So I did what any other TTC-obsessed woman would do. I called the health department to schedule a test. I left work at lunch to drive the 30 minutes to the county Health Department to have the skin test administered. I left work two hours early two days later to drive back to the county Health Department to have the test read. I cried every night.
The test came back negative. Which now I realize, of course it would. My friend had additional tests which showed that she was probably exposed to TB at some time over the past few years, and of course she did not have an active case.
That was when I realized I had completely lost it.
The treatments, the medications, the hormones, driving to the RE's office multiple times a cycle for blood work and monitoring, it was all way too much for me. This wasn't how I had pictured starting a family. And this definitely wasn't me. It was then and there that I decided I needed a break. I needed to find my sanity again, or at least some semblance of my former sanity.
The thing is, once you've been here and been through this, there is no turning back.
It has been over two years now that Scott and I have been trying to get pregnant. It has been ten months since we first started fertility treatments.
I am still not pregnant.
But, I am in a much better emotional state than I was just a few months ago. I think the break was just what I needed to let myself regroup and calm down from the hysteria that surrounded my treatments and my life at that time.
I also think that this experience, and this post, has allowed me to open the door a little to what I have been feeling and experiencing. Thus far, I have been very cautious with my posts; with what I write and what I share. But the truth is that dealing with infertility is not easy, and it is not always (or ever) pleasant. So, I think that in my future posts I may be more open and honest with what is going on and with what I am feeling.
Within thirty seconds of hearing this, I was not concerned about her health, about what it could mean for her starting her career as a nurse, nor was I concerned at all about the health of her family. I was only concerned with the possibility (in my head and not in reality) that I had contracted TB which would result in being completely infertile. I mean, Mrs. E had TB which settled in her fallopian tubes causing scaring, and leading to her inability to conceive.
Surely the same thing happened to me the weekend I stayed at my friend's cottage.
I called my mom. I called my mother-in-law (a nurse) and I called my grandmother (also a nurse). Everyone told me that a positive skin test only meant that my friend had been exposed to TB, not that she had an active case. And that you can't contract TB unless someone has an active case. But I couldn't and wouldn't take the chance. The next morning at work, I called my RE's office. The nurse explained the same thing but told me that I should call my general practitioner and schedule a skin test just to be sure. So I called my doctor, but they couldn't get me in for a week. Surely by then there would be no chance that I cold be treated, only ensuring the fact that this was the fertility kiss-of-death.
So I did what any other TTC-obsessed woman would do. I called the health department to schedule a test. I left work at lunch to drive the 30 minutes to the county Health Department to have the skin test administered. I left work two hours early two days later to drive back to the county Health Department to have the test read. I cried every night.
The test came back negative. Which now I realize, of course it would. My friend had additional tests which showed that she was probably exposed to TB at some time over the past few years, and of course she did not have an active case.
That was when I realized I had completely lost it.
The treatments, the medications, the hormones, driving to the RE's office multiple times a cycle for blood work and monitoring, it was all way too much for me. This wasn't how I had pictured starting a family. And this definitely wasn't me. It was then and there that I decided I needed a break. I needed to find my sanity again, or at least some semblance of my former sanity.
The thing is, once you've been here and been through this, there is no turning back.
It has been over two years now that Scott and I have been trying to get pregnant. It has been ten months since we first started fertility treatments.
I am still not pregnant.
But, I am in a much better emotional state than I was just a few months ago. I think the break was just what I needed to let myself regroup and calm down from the hysteria that surrounded my treatments and my life at that time.
I also think that this experience, and this post, has allowed me to open the door a little to what I have been feeling and experiencing. Thus far, I have been very cautious with my posts; with what I write and what I share. But the truth is that dealing with infertility is not easy, and it is not always (or ever) pleasant. So, I think that in my future posts I may be more open and honest with what is going on and with what I am feeling.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Summer Break, continued
It's been a little while since I've been here, visiting my blog and navigating the world of IF (infertility). The break has been wonderful, both emotionally and financially. It's hard to imagine that just two months ago I was obsessing over every sign and sypmtom, driving to the RE for bloodwork and ultrasounds before work, taking meds, trips to the pharmacy, and all of the other stress that goes along with IF treatments. I have to admit that I am a little overwhelmed at the prospect of starting back with our treatments sometime in the next few months.
I really don't know where the RE will start us or what we will do. I do know that I will need to have another round of bloodwork to check my FSH and AMH and I will be praying that they haven't dropped even lower. If they are both still within the same range of 'slightly diminished' then we will most likely pair Femara with some type of an injectable stimulating drug. But we have to decide if we will take the leap from timed intercourse to IUI (intrautrine insemination).
I also must admit that I was really hoping that we would just get pregnant "naturally" while on our hiatus. So far that doesn't seem to be the Big Man's plan. I was so certain that we would be one of those success stories; the couple who tries for months, which turns into a year, and then we make an appointment to see a specialist and BAM! end up pregnant. But it isn't so. Then I hoped that if we just took a break from trying and stressing that BAM! we'd be pregnant. But again, it just isn't so.
Life is going on around us, and as we wait for our miracle, friends, acquaintances, and family are announcing that their bundles of joy are on the way. The thing is, I am really not sad or upset about it. Which leads me to my RESOLVE meetings. I haven't been to one in two months. During the last meeting I attended I told the story of one of my friends who recently told me she was pregnant. I was at a party a few months ago, and as people were getting ready to leave she said she wanted to talk to me. She pulled me aside and told me that she was pregnant with her second child. My stomach did a flip, then dropped, and then I was happy for her. Really, truly happy. I was trying to explain to the women at the meeting that even though I am not pregnant, I can still be happy people around me who are. But many of them thought my friend was horrible for telling me at this party. That should be hurt, angry, and upset with her. Really?
The thing is; I can be hurt, angry, and upset. Sometimes I feel that way about our circumstances, but rarely do I ever feel that way about someone I know who has just announced her pregnancy.
I left the meeting feeling worse than I did when I arrived. Infertility is a struggle; every day of every week it is a struggle. But I won't let it harden me. I will do my best to remain soft and hopeful.
So, the break continues. I still hope that we might find ourselves pregnant before we are ready to go back to the RE sometime in August or September. But if not, we will start the treatments and continue to pray for our miracle.
I really don't know where the RE will start us or what we will do. I do know that I will need to have another round of bloodwork to check my FSH and AMH and I will be praying that they haven't dropped even lower. If they are both still within the same range of 'slightly diminished' then we will most likely pair Femara with some type of an injectable stimulating drug. But we have to decide if we will take the leap from timed intercourse to IUI (intrautrine insemination).
I also must admit that I was really hoping that we would just get pregnant "naturally" while on our hiatus. So far that doesn't seem to be the Big Man's plan. I was so certain that we would be one of those success stories; the couple who tries for months, which turns into a year, and then we make an appointment to see a specialist and BAM! end up pregnant. But it isn't so. Then I hoped that if we just took a break from trying and stressing that BAM! we'd be pregnant. But again, it just isn't so.
Life is going on around us, and as we wait for our miracle, friends, acquaintances, and family are announcing that their bundles of joy are on the way. The thing is, I am really not sad or upset about it. Which leads me to my RESOLVE meetings. I haven't been to one in two months. During the last meeting I attended I told the story of one of my friends who recently told me she was pregnant. I was at a party a few months ago, and as people were getting ready to leave she said she wanted to talk to me. She pulled me aside and told me that she was pregnant with her second child. My stomach did a flip, then dropped, and then I was happy for her. Really, truly happy. I was trying to explain to the women at the meeting that even though I am not pregnant, I can still be happy people around me who are. But many of them thought my friend was horrible for telling me at this party. That should be hurt, angry, and upset with her. Really?
The thing is; I can be hurt, angry, and upset. Sometimes I feel that way about our circumstances, but rarely do I ever feel that way about someone I know who has just announced her pregnancy.
I left the meeting feeling worse than I did when I arrived. Infertility is a struggle; every day of every week it is a struggle. But I won't let it harden me. I will do my best to remain soft and hopeful.
So, the break continues. I still hope that we might find ourselves pregnant before we are ready to go back to the RE sometime in August or September. But if not, we will start the treatments and continue to pray for our miracle.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Checking In
Just a little post to check in. This break has been amazing for Scott and me so far. It has been great to be away from the charting, appointments, monitoring and medications. My body is adjusting back to life without meds and I think that my sanity is finally beginning to return to me!
I've been focusing on work, working out, and enjoying what I do have. Scott and I have planned some great camping trips for the summer, and I am thrilled that I can enjoy a beer or a glass of wine without worrying what cycle day it is and whether or not I should be imbibing.
We are looking forward to spending the Fourth of July weekend with friends and family.
I've been focusing on work, working out, and enjoying what I do have. Scott and I have planned some great camping trips for the summer, and I am thrilled that I can enjoy a beer or a glass of wine without worrying what cycle day it is and whether or not I should be imbibing.
We are looking forward to spending the Fourth of July weekend with friends and family.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Summer Break
Well, Aunt Flow arrived again. I am feeling okay about it and Scott and I are ready for a real break. We are taking the entire summer off. Our original plan was to do 3-4 cycles with Femara and Ovidrel, the meet again with our RE and move on to injectables and IUI. We just finished our third cycle of the Femara. We talked and both decided that we could use some time off. So, we will wait a few months before we meet with our doctor and discuss our next plan of attack.
I will still blog, so please keep checking in. We have a lot to figure out over the summer.
I will still blog, so please keep checking in. We have a lot to figure out over the summer.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Second Opinion, Support, and General Updates
Lately I have been second-guessing the approach my current RE is taking with our treatments. Since my diagnosis of DOR we have been doing medicated cycles with Femara and a trigger shot. We are in our third cycle and only have one more round to go before we regroup and discuss other options.
In my slightly obsessive research I discovered that most women with DOR go through more aggressive treatments. After our first cycle on Femara, I called my doctor and asked if we should move on to something more aggressive, like injectable meds and IUI (aka artificial insemination). She wanted me to stick with the Femara treatments for a few more months first and that she has had a lot of success using it to treat unexplained infertility.
But, I don't have unexplained infertility. I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve, remember?!?!
This brings me to last week. I received an email from a RESOLVE partner which led me to investigate other clinics in the area. I made an inquiry and the actual doctor from the clinic called me! I missed his first call and he left me a voicemail. I was very impressed. We played phone tag for a few days but I was finally able to speak with him. We spoke for about twenty minutes and I gave him the run-down on my numbers (FSH, AMH, AFC, SA) He said that he would take the same approach by starting with a few cycles on Femara and then regrouping to discuss our options with injectable meds and IUI. He did say that given my slightly elevated FSH (he said slightly! Maybe my numbers aren't as bad as I feared) that if we moved to the injectables he would take a more aggressive approach. He also said that with my age, he is not as concerned with the elevated FSH and has had great success in treating cases like mine.
I did some more research on their clinic and found that they have been very successful. The only downfall is that the clinic is about an hour from my house. We will need to seriously consider this issue as we decide how to proceed.
This conversation made me feel so much better and renewed my faith in my RE and our current plan.
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I may have mentioned to some of you that I found a support group. Resolve had been a great resource for me lately and I found that they offer real-life peer led support groups. I went to my first meeting just about a month ago. There were about thirty people there; some couples but mostly women there without their husband or partner. Being surrounded and supported by others feeling the same things I am, going through similar struggles, was really rather wonderful. While at the meeting I found out that there is a second group that meets during the month as well. Some of the women and couples go to both meetings. I decided to go to the second meeting. Each group meets once a month, and the meetings are two weeks apart. So, I am now going to both meetings and it has been a very good thing for me. Scott isn't quite ready to go yet, but he is incredibly supportive and glad that I am enjoying them. This seems to be the popular theme with most of the women who attend, the husbands like to stay home. Which really is fine with me. We all deal with this differently and do what works for us.
In my slightly obsessive research I discovered that most women with DOR go through more aggressive treatments. After our first cycle on Femara, I called my doctor and asked if we should move on to something more aggressive, like injectable meds and IUI (aka artificial insemination). She wanted me to stick with the Femara treatments for a few more months first and that she has had a lot of success using it to treat unexplained infertility.
But, I don't have unexplained infertility. I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve, remember?!?!
This brings me to last week. I received an email from a RESOLVE partner which led me to investigate other clinics in the area. I made an inquiry and the actual doctor from the clinic called me! I missed his first call and he left me a voicemail. I was very impressed. We played phone tag for a few days but I was finally able to speak with him. We spoke for about twenty minutes and I gave him the run-down on my numbers (FSH, AMH, AFC, SA) He said that he would take the same approach by starting with a few cycles on Femara and then regrouping to discuss our options with injectable meds and IUI. He did say that given my slightly elevated FSH (he said slightly! Maybe my numbers aren't as bad as I feared) that if we moved to the injectables he would take a more aggressive approach. He also said that with my age, he is not as concerned with the elevated FSH and has had great success in treating cases like mine.
I did some more research on their clinic and found that they have been very successful. The only downfall is that the clinic is about an hour from my house. We will need to seriously consider this issue as we decide how to proceed.
This conversation made me feel so much better and renewed my faith in my RE and our current plan.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may have mentioned to some of you that I found a support group. Resolve had been a great resource for me lately and I found that they offer real-life peer led support groups. I went to my first meeting just about a month ago. There were about thirty people there; some couples but mostly women there without their husband or partner. Being surrounded and supported by others feeling the same things I am, going through similar struggles, was really rather wonderful. While at the meeting I found out that there is a second group that meets during the month as well. Some of the women and couples go to both meetings. I decided to go to the second meeting. Each group meets once a month, and the meetings are two weeks apart. So, I am now going to both meetings and it has been a very good thing for me. Scott isn't quite ready to go yet, but he is incredibly supportive and glad that I am enjoying them. This seems to be the popular theme with most of the women who attend, the husbands like to stay home. Which really is fine with me. We all deal with this differently and do what works for us.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Fingers Crossed
I went in to the RE's office this morning for my mid-cycle bloodwork and ultrasound. This cycle I went in two days earlier than what we normally schedule. This is because the Femara seems to make me ovulate sooner than I do on a non-medicated cycle. The last two cycles I took Femara I had to call the doctor the day before I was scheduled for monitoring. I was already getting a positive OPK and because of this I had to rush to the office to do my bloodwork and ultrasound a day ahead of time. We decided to be proactive this time and start the monitoring a little early.
At the office there are two ultrasound technicians. For my first cycle of monitoring, I had the "good" tech. She talked me through the entire ultrasound, telling me how many follicles she saw andthe size of each follicle. She was great. The next two times I had the "other" tech. She was all business. She didn't chat, didn't tell me what she saw, and I had to wait until the nurse called me later that afternoon before I knew if I had any follicles at all.
This morning I had the good tech again! She talked me through the entire ultrasound, told me that there was a 21mm follicle in my right ovary, along with three other small ones. The three other follicles won't mature and release an egg. My left ovary also had three small follicles which won't release eggs. This may not sound like the greatest news, but I think it is fabulous! This means that I do have a good number of eggs left. This means that my diagnosis of DOR isn't all that horrible. This means that if the Femara doesn't work then I have a really great chance with Bravelle or other injectables.
The good tech also gave me an ultrasound picture of my one fabulous follicle. I took the photo with me and tucked in into my purse.
The nurse called me this afternoon and confirmed what the good tech told me. I have one fabulous follicle in my right ovary and a handful of smaller follicles that aren't large enough to release eggs. My E2 was 97, which seem a little low, but it is earlier than when I usually have the blood draw so I am not concerned. She didn't give me my actual LH level but just said it was still low and that is good. I took an OPK (ovulation test) tonight and it is still negative. So, now I take the Ovidrel shot tomorrow morning and the waiting game begins. Here's to hoping that this cycle works!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Amaze-balls!
National Infertility Week ended May 1st. I ran across this video on many, many websites over the week and wanted to post it here. A project was started on one of the infertility blogs, I think it was on Stirrup Queens, and it was called "What IF". In the online communinity IF stands for infertility. The "What IF" project allowed those struggling with IF to all post a "What IF" comment on the board. It could be a fear, a hope, anything you wanted. The project receive a lot of attention, and one woman made a video of her "What IFs". It really touched me, and I wanted to share it.
What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Another One Bites the Dust
Well, just as I suspected this cycle was a bust. Aunt Flow made her appearance this afternoon, exactly on schedule, just like she has for the past 25 cycles. Is this really happening to me, to us? I don't even close my office door any longer when I call the RE, speaking clearly into the voicemail saying:
"This is Corinne. My medical record number is 12345678. I am calling to report the outcome of this cycle. I started my period this afternoon. I will be staring my next round of Femara on cycle day three and I need to make my appointment for my cycle day twelve bloodwork and monitoring. Please call me back, you may leave a message if I don't answer."
Then I hang up and dial the online Fertility Pharmacy and order my Ovidrel. "This is Corinne calling to refill my prescription for Ovidrel." With my door still open, I hang up and call my local pharmacy to refill my Femara, and I cross my fingers when I pick it up that my insurance is still allowing the co-pay and that I don't have to pay the out-of-pocket cost because after all, I am using it for a fertility treatment, which is not supposed to be covered by my insuranse.
The Ovidrel is shipped to me at work in a huge refrigerated Federal Express overnight box. When our warehouse manager delivers it to my office the morning it arrives, I will have to immediately take it out of the package and put it in the refrigerator in our break room. I hope no one is pilfering the fridge later that day, looking for a sweet treat to steal, peeking into my goodie-bag only to find a prescription box with my name on it, containing a syringe filled with my next month of hope.
I am not really sure what I feel tonight. I am a little sad and a lot empty. Is that even possible; to feel a lot empty? I am really beginning to wonder if this is going to work. The more I read about Diminished Ovarian Reserve, the more afraid I become. Reading blogs and other women's experiences telling me to run, do not walk, do not pass go, but run like the wind to the nearest RE and inquire about IVF. Like yesterday.
With each passing cycle, I am afraid that I am coming closer and closer to never being a mother. What if this never happens for us? What if I am only able to watch other people's children grow up? What if it's only Scott and me? I don't think I can handle that possibility.
I've listened to all sorts of advice. Take a break, take this vitamin, take a deep breath, take some time to relax, take some royal bee jelly, take some wheatgrass. Okay, well, I don't know what to say to those things. My whole body aches to see those two pink lines.
So, do I take the Femara or do I take a break? What if I break? I just don't know if I can take any of this anymore.
"This is Corinne. My medical record number is 12345678. I am calling to report the outcome of this cycle. I started my period this afternoon. I will be staring my next round of Femara on cycle day three and I need to make my appointment for my cycle day twelve bloodwork and monitoring. Please call me back, you may leave a message if I don't answer."
Then I hang up and dial the online Fertility Pharmacy and order my Ovidrel. "This is Corinne calling to refill my prescription for Ovidrel." With my door still open, I hang up and call my local pharmacy to refill my Femara, and I cross my fingers when I pick it up that my insurance is still allowing the co-pay and that I don't have to pay the out-of-pocket cost because after all, I am using it for a fertility treatment, which is not supposed to be covered by my insuranse.
The Ovidrel is shipped to me at work in a huge refrigerated Federal Express overnight box. When our warehouse manager delivers it to my office the morning it arrives, I will have to immediately take it out of the package and put it in the refrigerator in our break room. I hope no one is pilfering the fridge later that day, looking for a sweet treat to steal, peeking into my goodie-bag only to find a prescription box with my name on it, containing a syringe filled with my next month of hope.
I am not really sure what I feel tonight. I am a little sad and a lot empty. Is that even possible; to feel a lot empty? I am really beginning to wonder if this is going to work. The more I read about Diminished Ovarian Reserve, the more afraid I become. Reading blogs and other women's experiences telling me to run, do not walk, do not pass go, but run like the wind to the nearest RE and inquire about IVF. Like yesterday.
With each passing cycle, I am afraid that I am coming closer and closer to never being a mother. What if this never happens for us? What if I am only able to watch other people's children grow up? What if it's only Scott and me? I don't think I can handle that possibility.
I've listened to all sorts of advice. Take a break, take this vitamin, take a deep breath, take some time to relax, take some royal bee jelly, take some wheatgrass. Okay, well, I don't know what to say to those things. My whole body aches to see those two pink lines.
So, do I take the Femara or do I take a break? What if I break? I just don't know if I can take any of this anymore.
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